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Barry Crimmins

words to live near



Quips & Comments 4-14-01 Saturday, April 14, 2001

Upon hearing that the members of the released spy plane crew had been debriefed, an outraged  Court-appointed President Bush demanded that the Chinese not only return the plane but also the crew's undergarments.

In an effort to  rebuild Sino-American ties after the recent international incident, a Chinese toy manufacturer has  announced plans to begin marketing scale models of U.S. military aircraft. The first  to hit store shelves  will be a remarkably detailed miniature version  a U.S. Navy EP-3E spy plane.

Court-appointed President Bush has taken  a break from his daily schedule of exercise, nap ,video game and meal breaks to take a well-deserved holiday weekend break at his Texas ranch. He promises to be back in the White House next week, refreshed and ready to resume his rigorous regimen of rest.

Palestinians  are blaming the Israel military for the botched car-bomb attempt to kill a leading member of Yasser Arafat's Fatah. The Israeli army denied the charges through a spokesperson who said, "It wasn't us. We have NEVER botched a car bombing!"

A Philippine fish vendor was nailed to the cross for the last time Friday, fulfilling his vow to go through the annual Lenten ritual 15 times to give thanks for his mother's recovery from tuberculosis. When asked what he planned to do when he was taken down from the cross he

said. he'd "probably go out and get hammered."

China and the US  have agreed to an April 18 meeting  to discuss the spy plane incident. There is no indication yet where it will be held although it is likely to be somewhere both sides are comfortable, most likely a sweatshop or a prison.

Sudanese authorities flogged 53 Christians who were convicted of rioting over efforts to move their Easter ceremony out of a public square. Secretary of State Colin Powell sited this incident as "just another reason we are taking a serious look at resuming the Crusades."

Upon hearing the news noted Watergate criminal G.Gordon Liddy  immediately applied for work as a Sudanese authority.

The doomsday cult behind the 1995 deadly gassing on the Tokyo subways is growing steadily and reasserting influence through the Internet, the Japanese government said Friday. At its current rate of growth the group will have over a million members by the year 2010. Unfortunately they will never reach that membership level because they have planned the end of the world  for early in 2007.

Computer models developed independently by two teams of researchers give new evidence that global warming is influenced by man-made gases, particularly hot air expelled from court-appointed Bush Administration when feigning concern over the environment.

French publishing giant Jerome Lindon has died. He will be buried sometime next week after enough pallbearers  are found to carry his casket.

Former President Bill Clinton and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, will be vacationing in the Dominican Republic. It marks the first joint vacation the couple has taken since he left office in January.  The former chief executive is said to be having a hard time adjusting to private life-- imagine having gone all the way from late January to mid-April and having to take all of your vacations alone!