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Barry Crimmins

words to live near



Good Friday The 13th Friday, April 13, 2001

If the court-appointed Bush administration's foreign policy  gets any more antiquated the Crusades will resume in July.

The flap about Dan Rather appearing at a fund-raiser for Texas Democrats is understandable . We all know the media is reactionary but openly embracing such a long-standing right-leaning organization as the Texas Democratic Party? Well that's enough to outrage anyone.

It's a good thing Bush's plan to invest social security funds in the stock market didn't rush through congress. Now they can use the funds to get much better price on stocks than they would have a few months ago.

A dusk to dawn curfew has been imposed in Cincinnati after three-days of riots provoked by the killing of an unarmed black man by police. The curfew  inconveniences the nearly three dozen residents who have  at one time or another availed themselves of River City's dynamic night-life.

Gun deaths in the United States dropped more than 25% during the mid-1990s to the lowest level since 1966 provoking NRA president Charlton Heston to angrily declare, "Consider what this has done to the funeral industry and you need no further proof of the madness of gun control!"

Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura joined crews piling sandbags Thursday as residents of the Red River Valley fought to keep the river from overflowing emergency dikes. During a brief break  from the effort Ventura lost an impromptu debate with one of the sandbags.

Court-appointed Bush Administration Interior Secretary Gale Norton is demanding Congress expand her powers so she can curb lawsuits aimed at getting new endangered species listed. If she succeeds this could be long-remembered as the fatal blow that led to the extinction of the already endangered environmentalist.

"In an effort to keep up with the failing economy Sears has changed its slogan to "Where America Shopped!"

The New York Times Co., blaming a slowdown in advertising, an uncertain economy and "that prick Al Giordano at" announced that it would make an unspecified number of staff cuts.

Iraq told the U.N. human rights organization Thursday that more than 1.5 million Iraqis - most of them women, children and elderly people - have died as a result of the sanctions the United Nations imposed to punish Saddam Hussein for invading Kuwait in 1990. Court-appointed President Bush welcomed the announcement as "proof positive that carnage can be committed  with fiscally prudent programs such as this - especially when used in combination with occasional aerial bombardment of the innocent populace"

Oil-importing countries could face tight gasoline supplies and volatile prices at the pump during the peak summer driving season, the International Energy Agency said in its monthly energy report.  The report concluded, "It is expected that gasoline  will be in short supply, especially considering the country has again fallen into the hands of the oil-rich Bush plutocracy."

About 200 demonstrators protested on Thursday outside a country club where actress and activist Jane Fonda was scheduled to speak. Fonda has been the target of criticism over the past several for visiting North Vietnam during the war. is busy investigating how to get these yahoos to protest at Barry's often under-publicized appearances. An indignant Crimmins asked, "Jane has apologized for what she did but I still think it was exactly the right thing so how come she gets all the attention?"

Philip Morris Inc. is trying to drum up congressional support for its ideas on giving the FDA authority to regulate tobacco.  a company spokesperson enthused, "Upon examining the obscene profits of the pharmaceutical industry Philip Morris has seen the future and the future is prescription cigarettes."

The court-appointed Bush Administration  immediately seized upon Philip Morris' suggestion and is now working hard to ensure that "none of our seniors want for prescription tobacco"

High-tech consulting firm MarchFirst Inc. said Thursday it has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.  The company gained a measure of respect last month when it it advised its clients to dump MarchFirst stock but apparently it was too little, too late.

Perhaps they should have just called the company AprilFirst.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson renewed his push for increased diversity in the high-tech world Thursday, telling a conference sponsored by his organization that minorities and women still rarely are seen in Silicon Valley boardrooms. Several high- tech firms responded to Jackson's request by taking steps to ensure that minorities will be over-represented in upcoming layoffs.

Republican congressional leaders universally lauded court-appointed President Bush for bringing home the crew members of the ill-fated U.S. spy plane. They also announced plans to retroactively impeach Bill Clinton for  "elaborately scheming to get a U.S. spy plane into his the hands of his good friends, the Red Chinese."

Court-appointed President Bush marked Thomas Jefferson's birthday in a ceremony at the White House Wednesday . Jefferson responded by having himself placed on a rotisserie to make spinning in his grave less difficult.

According to death penalty opponents permitting a closed-circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh's execution would make the event a "death pageant." Network TV officials responded by saying "But death pageants would give us just the reality programming we need to break the  Writers Guild."