CrimQuips
CrimQuips 2/20/03 Thursday, February 20, 2003
Commentary by Barry Crimmins
http://www.barrycrimmins.com
Can I get your swastika number? Fabled political humorist and activist Randy Credico, speaking to a New York mounted police officer who was menacing two elderly women with his horse and nightstick at the 2/15 peace rally
****
Bush's dismissive remarks concerning large and democratic demonstrations of antiwar free speech were predictable. Why should he be responsive to an electorate that didn't elect him?
Bush likened the Peace Movement to afocus group. The movement is now so large that you could put a wide angle lens on the Hubble telescope and it still couldn't focus on this particular group.
Gosh, what a surprise that the corporate media, which has been "counting down to war" since last summer, finds it necessary to cheap-shot the peace movement at every chance. They beat the war drum and all that results is a gigantic samba line at peace rallies.
It would be hard to say who has been more repudiated by the massive antiwar movement, the lapdog media or the fat-cat Bushists.
CNN has been trumpeting that Saddam Hussein is "delighted" with the peace rallies. Too bad CNN didn't cover the peace rallies well enough to take note of the fact that virtually every speaker, at every rally, has expressed contempt for Hussein. To cover the speakers they'd have to cut back on interviews with the inarticulate attendees who appear as stereotypically burnt out as possible ( No face paint/ No interview!). If they did the same thing to W, we'd have drunks at the American Legion hall articulating the Bush agenda.
Not that American Legion drunks aren't more articulate than Bush.
Actually, that's not fair. Lots of American Legion and V.F.W, members oppose this war. This is because, unlike W, they have been to war.
Turkey has demonstrated that support for Bush's planned assault on Iraq runs only as deep as America's pockets.
The Turks will be happy to accommodate the USA's military need for a northern base of operations so long as the first several transports that arrive are flying the Wells Fargo flag.
All that needs be done to secure Turkey's support is for the US to add the Turk budget deficit to its own.
But what's another several billion dollars tacked onto the deficit, when the cause is so just?
Bush is salivating so much for war that he may well end up paying filet mignon prices for Turkey.
Turkey wants the money in a brown paper body bag.
Here's a plan: End welfare for warfare!
*****
Maybe Bush will stage a fake terrorist attack on the Statue of Liberty. It would serve several purposes. For example:
It would help justify increased domestic police state tactics.
It would cause rage that could be unfairly focused on Iraq.
It would distract Americans from the morbid economy.
It would get rid of a symbol of freedom that was just another dirty French plot meant to provoke unrest in America by furthering the myth of independence.
*****
The supposedly anti-drug White House has yet another embarrassing scandal brewing. All sorts of consumer and medical groups have called for a ban on ephedra, a stimulant used in over-the-counter weight loss products. But since the so-called supplement industry is a very active and generous supporter of (mostly Republican) candidates, the court-appointed Bush Administration's FDA has said there is need for "further study" before any ban. Unfortunately the "further study" is too often done by coroners when they examine the corpses ephedra is leaving in its wake.
If the ephedra is so safe, let Dick Cheney start taking it.
Florida Senator Bob Graham spends a day every month replacing constituents at their jobs so he can remain in touch with life in the work-a-day world. This is rather embarrassing for W, who barely spends that much time per month on the job he is supposed to be performing.
Maybe Bush will try Graham's approach and put in an honest day's work 12 times per year. Of course by the time W gets around to trying it, there may not be 12 American jobs left for him to fill in at.
Let's see.... he could work as a corporate down-sizer, a domestic surveillance officer, a weapons of mass destruction manufacturer, a job exporter, health care price gouger, an unwitting test subject for Big Pharma, a genetic mutator of crops, an unemployment office construction worker, a forest prevention officer, a lap dancer at a strip mine, an airline folder or he could spend a day climbing up and down a ladder once an hour at a gas station increasing the price-per-gallon signs. So I guess there are 12 jobs.
Bush is about to succeed in forcing his dream of a regime change. Granted it's only in England -- but it's a start.
Former Illinois Senator Carol Mosley-Braun's friendship with the late and unlamented Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha might have caught the eye of the Democratic Leadership Council, which is always on the lookout for candidates capable of collaborating with natural enemies of rank and file citizenry.
Massachusetts Senator John Kerry says what Iraq needs is globalization but has yet to explain how he plans to move Iraqi oil fields to China.
General Wesley Clark may run as a Democrat on a platform of opposition to the US becoming a colonial power. Dick Cheney is privately fuming that someone leaked the minutes of his colonial power meetings to Clark.
Bush thought Florida already was a colony.
CNN has been caught printing an expurgated version of Hans Blix's UN testimony one it's website. It cut out the part where Blix challenged the veracity of Colin Powell's February 5 UN remarks. Imagine what CNN would do if it weren't so liberal that it forced the FOX News Net into existence.
House minority creator Dick Gephardt is now in the race for the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination.
But then, the more we look into electronic voting booth irregularities, the more likely we are to find an answer to how the Republicans surprised so many people last November.
In just plain creepy news...Mike Tyson has made his desperate plea for help... permanent, by tattooing it on his face.
It's too bad that the current hatred for celebrities who are active in politics didn't sweep the nation in 1980.
*******
The Neville Chamberlain accusations aimed at any nation that doesn't support massacring everyone between Saddam Hussein and the outside world are insulting and illiterate. Hussein is an armed thug and dictator. Sadly, the world is full of such despots. They all bear watching and disarmament. That said, Saddam hasn't attacked another country in over a decade. Hitler wasn't having a good day if he made it to lunch without occupying a new neighbor. Hitler's Germany was a bona fide superpower. Hitler could have never hidden all the weapons he had since they were spilling out of every manufacturing facility in his nation. Hussein rules a country isolated and weakened by sanctions. The geographical majority of his own land is not in his control.
There is a Neville Chamberlain in this current world crisis. But he is not looking for a peaceful solution to the problems caused by local thug Hussein, he is the one who is appeasing the imperialist war-monger. And he holds the same job as did Neville Chamberlain. He is prime minister of England and his name is Tony Blair. Do I need to tell you the name of the imperialist war-monger? I didn't think so.
******
And here are a few quips excised from the Buffalo speech (special thanks to all who planned and attended the wonderful rally). They are placed here for archival purposes.....
Does anyone feel more secure now that there is a Department of Homeland Security? A better name for it would be KGB-2003. The world doesn't put too much stock in the remarks of a secretary of state who has to lean on the CIA director for credibility. Why not just bring in Arthur Andersen to certify the books?
The United States will spend over $400 billion on what it calls "Defense"
this year yet we are asked to protect our homes using duct tape and plastic! Some defense!
I hate to point this out but do you know what is a very effective countermeasure to duct tape and plastic?Box cutters! Kind of brings us back to Square One, doesn't it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please click to sign up for the e-mail version of :CrimQuips List.
© 2003 Barry Crimmins
http://www.barrycrimmins.com
Can I get your swastika number? Fabled political humorist and activist Randy Credico, speaking to a New York mounted police officer who was menacing two elderly women with his horse and nightstick at the 2/15 peace rally
****
Bush's dismissive remarks concerning large and democratic demonstrations of antiwar free speech were predictable. Why should he be responsive to an electorate that didn't elect him?
Bush likened the Peace Movement to afocus group. The movement is now so large that you could put a wide angle lens on the Hubble telescope and it still couldn't focus on this particular group.
Gosh, what a surprise that the corporate media, which has been "counting down to war" since last summer, finds it necessary to cheap-shot the peace movement at every chance. They beat the war drum and all that results is a gigantic samba line at peace rallies.
It would be hard to say who has been more repudiated by the massive antiwar movement, the lapdog media or the fat-cat Bushists.
CNN has been trumpeting that Saddam Hussein is "delighted" with the peace rallies. Too bad CNN didn't cover the peace rallies well enough to take note of the fact that virtually every speaker, at every rally, has expressed contempt for Hussein. To cover the speakers they'd have to cut back on interviews with the inarticulate attendees who appear as stereotypically burnt out as possible ( No face paint/ No interview!). If they did the same thing to W, we'd have drunks at the American Legion hall articulating the Bush agenda.
Not that American Legion drunks aren't more articulate than Bush.
Actually, that's not fair. Lots of American Legion and V.F.W, members oppose this war. This is because, unlike W, they have been to war.
Turkey has demonstrated that support for Bush's planned assault on Iraq runs only as deep as America's pockets.
The Turks will be happy to accommodate the USA's military need for a northern base of operations so long as the first several transports that arrive are flying the Wells Fargo flag.
All that needs be done to secure Turkey's support is for the US to add the Turk budget deficit to its own.
But what's another several billion dollars tacked onto the deficit, when the cause is so just?
Bush is salivating so much for war that he may well end up paying filet mignon prices for Turkey.
Turkey wants the money in a brown paper body bag.
Here's a plan: End welfare for warfare!
*****
Maybe Bush will stage a fake terrorist attack on the Statue of Liberty. It would serve several purposes. For example:
It would help justify increased domestic police state tactics.
It would cause rage that could be unfairly focused on Iraq.
It would distract Americans from the morbid economy.
It would get rid of a symbol of freedom that was just another dirty French plot meant to provoke unrest in America by furthering the myth of independence.
*****
The supposedly anti-drug White House has yet another embarrassing scandal brewing. All sorts of consumer and medical groups have called for a ban on ephedra, a stimulant used in over-the-counter weight loss products. But since the so-called supplement industry is a very active and generous supporter of (mostly Republican) candidates, the court-appointed Bush Administration's FDA has said there is need for "further study" before any ban. Unfortunately the "further study" is too often done by coroners when they examine the corpses ephedra is leaving in its wake.
If the ephedra is so safe, let Dick Cheney start taking it.
Florida Senator Bob Graham spends a day every month replacing constituents at their jobs so he can remain in touch with life in the work-a-day world. This is rather embarrassing for W, who barely spends that much time per month on the job he is supposed to be performing.
Maybe Bush will try Graham's approach and put in an honest day's work 12 times per year. Of course by the time W gets around to trying it, there may not be 12 American jobs left for him to fill in at.
Let's see.... he could work as a corporate down-sizer, a domestic surveillance officer, a weapons of mass destruction manufacturer, a job exporter, health care price gouger, an unwitting test subject for Big Pharma, a genetic mutator of crops, an unemployment office construction worker, a forest prevention officer, a lap dancer at a strip mine, an airline folder or he could spend a day climbing up and down a ladder once an hour at a gas station increasing the price-per-gallon signs. So I guess there are 12 jobs.
Bush is about to succeed in forcing his dream of a regime change. Granted it's only in England -- but it's a start.
Former Illinois Senator Carol Mosley-Braun's friendship with the late and unlamented Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha might have caught the eye of the Democratic Leadership Council, which is always on the lookout for candidates capable of collaborating with natural enemies of rank and file citizenry.
Massachusetts Senator John Kerry says what Iraq needs is globalization but has yet to explain how he plans to move Iraqi oil fields to China.
General Wesley Clark may run as a Democrat on a platform of opposition to the US becoming a colonial power. Dick Cheney is privately fuming that someone leaked the minutes of his colonial power meetings to Clark.
Bush thought Florida already was a colony.
CNN has been caught printing an expurgated version of Hans Blix's UN testimony one it's website. It cut out the part where Blix challenged the veracity of Colin Powell's February 5 UN remarks. Imagine what CNN would do if it weren't so liberal that it forced the FOX News Net into existence.
House minority creator Dick Gephardt is now in the race for the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination.
But then, the more we look into electronic voting booth irregularities, the more likely we are to find an answer to how the Republicans surprised so many people last November.
In just plain creepy news...Mike Tyson has made his desperate plea for help... permanent, by tattooing it on his face.
It's too bad that the current hatred for celebrities who are active in politics didn't sweep the nation in 1980.
*******
The Neville Chamberlain accusations aimed at any nation that doesn't support massacring everyone between Saddam Hussein and the outside world are insulting and illiterate. Hussein is an armed thug and dictator. Sadly, the world is full of such despots. They all bear watching and disarmament. That said, Saddam hasn't attacked another country in over a decade. Hitler wasn't having a good day if he made it to lunch without occupying a new neighbor. Hitler's Germany was a bona fide superpower. Hitler could have never hidden all the weapons he had since they were spilling out of every manufacturing facility in his nation. Hussein rules a country isolated and weakened by sanctions. The geographical majority of his own land is not in his control.
There is a Neville Chamberlain in this current world crisis. But he is not looking for a peaceful solution to the problems caused by local thug Hussein, he is the one who is appeasing the imperialist war-monger. And he holds the same job as did Neville Chamberlain. He is prime minister of England and his name is Tony Blair. Do I need to tell you the name of the imperialist war-monger? I didn't think so.
******
And here are a few quips excised from the Buffalo speech (special thanks to all who planned and attended the wonderful rally). They are placed here for archival purposes.....
Does anyone feel more secure now that there is a Department of Homeland Security? A better name for it would be KGB-2003. The world doesn't put too much stock in the remarks of a secretary of state who has to lean on the CIA director for credibility. Why not just bring in Arthur Andersen to certify the books?
The United States will spend over $400 billion on what it calls "Defense"
this year yet we are asked to protect our homes using duct tape and plastic! Some defense!
I hate to point this out but do you know what is a very effective countermeasure to duct tape and plastic?Box cutters! Kind of brings us back to Square One, doesn't it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please click to sign up for the e-mail version of :CrimQuips List.
© 2003 Barry Crimmins