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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 1-15-02 Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Look Out World, There Goes Ford!

The Court-appointed prez choked on a pretzel while watching football Sunday because although he usually eats potato chips, he didn't want to be caught with any more Lay's in the White House.

It turns out Bush choked on the pretzel when he learned that it had been deemed fit for human consumption by one of the people he appointed to the Food and Drug Administration.

You'd think a man who had become so practiced at not choking on his own bullshit could swallow a pretzel.

We should be thankful they didn't rush him to Nebraska after the suicide pretzel struck.

Bush was watching the game alone because he had invited everyone he knows still in possession of political credibility. And they all showed up!

Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill told FOX News yesterday that the Enron scandal was a natural result of the capitalist system. Karl Marx would be proud!

What's Bush doing with a Commie running the Treasury?

Where's Joseph McCarthy when you need him? We must run Red O'Neill from Treasury!

What's the difference between Osama bin Laden and Ken Lay? When bin Laden commits major crimes against innocent people he goes into hiding. When Lay commits major crimes against innocent people he goes to Aspen.

Apparently Lay didn't grasp what his cohorts meant when they said, "Head for the hills!"

Here's why John Ashcroft only seems interested in investigating poor people, sick people and people of color -- it turns out that most actual lawbreakers have already written a check to the Kaiser so he sees no need in undertaking investigations from which he would just have to recuse himself.

There's a new sequence for crime in the USA. Now you simply impose a fine on yourself, pay it to Ashcroft and then commit your crimes.

How perfect is it that former President Bush, father of current Court-appointed President Bush, is the most celebrated Houston Astros season ticket holder? This means he will be spending the summer sitting in a box seat at (Take the Money) Enron Field

.The endless summer photo-op!

Dubyahoo says he last saw Ken Lay at an April 30 fund-raiser for a literacy foundation that is the pet project of First Mother/Lady Barbara Bush. Considering the struggles her own son has with the language it's no wonder why she chose this cause.

They should have used some of the funds they raised for literacy to teach Lay how to read a balance sheet.

The biggest challenge facing the Bush Administration during its second year will be to find a way to link Enron's victims to the al Queda network

.Has the al Queda network announced its lineup for the February TV rating sweeps?

Little did we know that when Bush promised to return ethics to Washington it was because he wanted them rounded up and destroyed.

A spokesperson for Florida Governor Jeb Bush said last week, "Even though the story had been determined to be completely unfounded and was over a month old we have decided to go public with the alleged plan to bomb Jeb Bush now, in hopes it would knock that damned Enron scandal off the front page."

Jeb couldn't be safer if he were with Osama himself.

updated: 17 years ago