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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 12/5/02 Thursday, December 5, 2002

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com In preparation for the inevitable Iraqi carnage, the U.S. National Guard is about to call up 10,000 members to active duty. War- the ultimate temp job! Public opinion surveys taken in 44 countries indicate that negative opinions of the United States have escalated in most nations over the past two years. The polls also concluded that longtime U.S. allies Oppression, Pestilence and Mayhem have also fallen in international esteem. Never fear, the Kissinger appointment should give a real booster shot to the international popularity of the good old U.S. of A! The weapons inspectors investigated an Iraqi facility that makes gin that costs 75 cents a bottle. If 75¢ gin isn't a weapon of mass destruction, nothing is.

75¢ gin -- everyone gets bombed and it causes massive hangovers.

Until and unless it's proven that there truly was an Iraqi attack of Kuwaiti Coast Guard vessels, this has to be considered as a Persian Gulf of Tonkin incident.

Big pharmaceutical concerns are facing government scrutiny for repeatedly disseminating misleading advertisements to promote prescription drugs. But since Big Pharma funds the dissemination of misleading advertisements to promote political candidates, rest assured the investigation will go nowhere.

Big Pharma and the politicians it carries in its vest pocket have a common goal: the doping of America.

A recent study maintains that death row inmates in Texas are often assigned incompetent or unqualified state appellate lawyers. How could anyone believe the state that gave us George W. Bush would have a penchant for hiring incompetent and unqualified people!

With the recent terrorist massacre of Israeli vacationers in Kenya, it's become clearer that no matter how many dance recitals Court-appointed President Bush performs, Osama bin Laden continues to choose the music.

Ariel Sharon's troops responded decisively to the Kenyan atrocity by summarily executing a 95 year- old Palestinian woman for the crime of traveling in a taxi.

A top Saudi official says that his country now plans to spend at least as much money sanitizing its image as it has put into funding terrorism.

Now that John Kerry has announced he is running for president I must disclose that I've known Kerry since the Eighties. We don't hang out or anything --especially since I have publicly taken issue with him when he has fallen into line with idiocy like the recent authorization of Bush to visit carnage upon Iraq whenever the whim strikes him. I'dstill like to think that, if elected, he'd consider making me the first US ambassador to Cuba without really good connections in New Jersey. I'd never get confirmed but the hearings would be tremendous. "Yes,Senator Lout, I have, in fact, regularly referred to you as the 'cheerleader most likely to wear a swastika on his letter sweater.' Could that have some sort of negative impact on these proceedings?"

With his threat to have the ultrawealthy Boston Roman Catholic Archdiocese declare itself bankrupt so it can avoid paying claims to the victims of sexually abusive priests, Cardinal Bernard Law may have planted doubts in W as to whether or not Henry Kissinger was the best bald-faced liar for the 9/11 inquiry commission. The Boston Archdiocese isn't broke now, but the expense of bearing this enormous false witness ought to do it.

For Bernard Law they should change the "false witness" commandment to: Thou shalt not move thy lips.

What Law should declare is moral bankruptcy.

The next time anyone goes to confession in the Archdiocese of Boston, they should tell the priest they can't afford to pay any penance for their sins. AOL's new scheme to get out of florescent red ink is classic-- they are planning on charging subscribers to non-AOL internet services a premium so that they can access AOL content. So all the floundering corporation needs to have this succeed is for millions of consumers, already smart enough to know that AOL sucks, to decide to pay the hideously inadequate web portal a fee just so they can occasionally deal with its inept internet interface. Such inducement!

The plan would allow outsiders to use AOL's e-mail service, which due to recent advances has now been deemed a better means of communication than cave drawings by over half the people who have used both.

What do they expect consumers to say? "Wow, all this and a prestigious AOL e-mail address! How can I resist?"

Confetti will soon be more valuable than AOL stock certificates.

******* NOTE FROM BARRY


CrimQuips will be distributed less frequently over the next several weeks because I am busy writing my annual year in review piece for the Boston Phoenix. I'm also trying to meet an early 2003 deadline for the first draft of the book for Seven Stories Press. Complicating matters is hunting season here in upstate New York. For those of you unfamiliar with the nuances of hunting season, just imagine your neighborhood overflowing with armed tourists, none of whom will touch alcohol....before 4 AM. It requires a paramilitary operation to simply take Lloyd the Dog for a walk. It's tough to lose oneself in the writing while sitting at the computer in a bright orange hat and vest. Finally, the holidays have reared their ugly heads and so I must devote several hours per day to monitoring those vital news stories about the trends and volume of this year's Christmas shopping. (It looks good for the retailers, and isn't that a relief!)

I am also terribly behind in my e-mail. I really do try to respond to everyone. If I have failed to get back to you, please understand that this in no way indicates I do not appreciate your correspondence -- it just means I spend so many hours at this keyboard that by the time I get to e-mail, my brainwaves resemble a topographical map of Kansas.

The subscription drive is going great. We have picked up a couple hundred new members for the

CrimQuips list. Thanks for the help with that and so much more. I am most appreciative that you take the time to read my thoughts. I give you all a dispensation from leftist guilt so that you may enjoy the holidays. As we end of this beanball of a year, we need all the love and comraderie we can muster. Have fun and do nice things for yourselves and others. (This should in no way be considered a suggestion to go to a mall, which is almost never a nice thing!)

With fond regards,

Barry Crimmins

2002 Barry Crimmins

updated: 17 years ago