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Barry Crimmins

words to live near



Quips & Comments 4-5-01 Thursday, April 5, 2001

In a desperate attempt to jump-start the economy Court-appointed President Bush has put Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris in charge of determining  the Dow Jones  and Nasdaq Composite averages.

The Miami Herald (the Nasdaq of US daily newspapers) and USA Today(Their motto? If you can't write, make a list!) have declared that Bush would have won the recount. That just leaves the: hundreds of Jews who were tricked into Pat "soft on nazis" Buchanan  AND  the much larger number of African -Americans who were mislabeled as  felons and deemed ineligible to vote or scared away from the polls by a variety of election day dirty tricks as reasons to continue to complain about the stolen election.

USA Today is to reliable reporting what Larry King is to quality column writing.

W was at his best in taped comments played before the beginning of the 2001 baseball opener between the Toronto Blue Jays and the Texas Rangers.  Bush, the former titular owner of the Rangers, said he had to remain impartial because he was president. Yeah, you wouldn't want to alienate those Canadian baseball fans -- they could swing the 2004 election.

Maybe this means Neil Bush is planning a run for mayor of Toronto.

Perhaps people wouldn't be so quick to ask what a U.S. spy plane was doing over the South China Sea if they realized that area is simply crawling with Japanese fishing vessels.

For now the spy plane standoff remains worrisome but hasn't become critical enough for CNN to write theme music for the crisis.

Unfortunately  W's Dad  can't step in and get him out of THIS military conflict.


So far on W's watch, the U.S. has :

  • accidentally sunk a Japanese fishing boat
  • expelled Russian diplomats after US snoops were caught trying to tunnel its way into their embassy
  • gotten into an ever-deepening military incident with the Chinese that any kid in a mall game-room could have avoided with a few clicks of a joystick
  • strafed Europe with debris from military aircraft that must have been built by the same technicians who found a way to make plastic rust on US cars in the 70's.
  • decided that increased  amounts of carbon dioxide and arsenic-laced drinking water are just what the American people need.

Humanity is pretty durable but at this rate it hasn't an British cow's chance at customs of surviving the court-appointed Bush Administration.


The big question is: when is the Pentagon going to relieve Jerry Lewis of his command in the Pacific Theatre of Operations? And  when it does, what happens to America's relations with France?

At times like this Americans should remember that they have a lot in common with the Chinese people. Both live under the rule of unelected, anti-union , death-penalty-happy leaders and neither can do much about it.

Perhaps the Court-appointed Bush Administration is avoiding apologies to the Chinese because they don't want to remind anyone of the fact that W is such a sorry excuse for a president.

Finally commenting on the suggestion by Mexican President Vincente Fox that the drug war is failing and drugs  should be legalized CAP Bush said "Perhaps the Mexican people feel that way but Americans, who see in me the long-range damage that substance abuse wreaks, would never support legalization."

The Postal Service announced Tuesday that it will study  a cost-cutting, five-day schedule that would eliminate mail delivery on Saturdays. Of course this may never happen if the Court-appointed Bush Administration continues its provocative foreign policy which could lead to the elimination of Saturdays altogether.

The John Marshall Law Review ousted Thomas Gionis, its incoming editor-in-chief after the editorial board discovered he had served time in prison for arranging an attack on his ex-wife.

Gionis has since found work reviewing judicial candidates for the court-appointed Bush Administration.

The European Economic Community has banned the import of any American politicians until the current outbreak of head-in-ass disease in Washington is eradicated. Experts predict it will be unwise to lift the ban  prior to early 2005.