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Barry Crimmins

words to live near



CrimQuips 7/9/03 Wednesday, July 9, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins   It's awfully nice of George W. Bush to travel to Africa just to remind the people over there that there are worse things than AIDS, famine and abject poverty -- and he's one of them.

Just what the hungry people of Africa need -- the empty calories of George W. Bush's rhetoric.

Here's why Bush really went to Africa -- it is as as far away as Rove could get him at a time when the court-appointed administration had to begin to admit that its premise for war was fallacious.

Let's hope Charles Taylor of Liberia sets a good example for Bush and steps down quickly.

"Africa is part of America's history. Europeans and Africans came to this country together, Africans in chains. And slavery was, of course, America's birth defect." -- Condoleezza Rice

Your ancestors were in chains, Condi, what's your excuse for involvement with white devils?

What classic bullshit from Rice! Birth defects are not something for which anyone can be held accountable and so if slavery was simply a birth defect then it was beyond anyone's control and therefore just a blameless coincidence of bad luck.

Rice got an oil tanker named after her because she demonstrated a boundless capacity for carrying water for nefarious causes -- so why not oil?

Just for fun, let's buy into Rice's metaphor: OK, Condi, I guess we need to greatly expand the Americans With Disabilities Act so as to improve accessibility to our society for the millions afflicted by the generations "birth defects" caused by slavery.

"One of the largest migrations of history was also one of the greatest crimes of history."-George W. Bush, speaking of the massive crime against Africans committed by Europeans and White North Americans.

It's true. Were Bush around a few hundred years ago he'd have been the first to say "Hey, GREAT CRIME, slave traders! Way to go!"

Isn't migration a voluntary act?

Were it left up to Bush's Confederacy-loving attorney general, the crime of slavery would never be prosecuted and the only reparations would be to slave owners for the "chattel" they lost as a result of the Civil War. George Bush's opposition to slavery is based on specific criteria. He understands how slavery might be necessary to assist sorely beset ultra-wealthy people during times when profits dwindle from obscene to only profuse. W strongly feels it's unethical to implement slavery along racial guidelines. He believes in the egalitarian imposition of slavery upon *all* workers, regardless of race, ethnicity or creed. This is just part of what makes him such a compassionate conservative.

I wonder how people with loved ones in the military feel about Bush's baiting of Iraqi guerillas with his Ramboesque challenge to "Bring 'em on!"

Of course the full statement should be, "Bring 'em on! Because I only have to be brave in word and not deed. I enjoy aggravating enemies I have agitated with a needless war that even I have had to admit was fomented on bogus premises. The worst that can happen is more and more Americans and coalition soldiers will be killed and then Karl Rove will write me a speech that will con the American people into voting for me as a tribute to the men and women I got slain so needlessly. So hell yes, bring 'em on!"

NASA has postponed its launch of its next Mars probe, further delaying its following mission to an even more remote and mysterious destination-- Bush's foreign policy.

The Court-appointed Bush Administration is peddling GMP-- Genetically Modified Patriotism.

Internationally, GMP is in even less demand than the mutated food Bush is attempting to force-feed the world.

If Bush succeeds in getting rid of overtime it will save his court-appointed administration billions in wages for henchmen, character assassins, bagmen, shredders, fiction writers, jingoists, trail-coverers and fixers. Court-appointed Bush administration officials declined to comment on the legal challenge to its policy of declaring people it can't make a case against "enemy combatants" so that it can prosecute them in military tribunals. "If we have any response, we'll respond in court," said a Justice Department spokesman who added, " and then we'll destroy all records of our response and systematically hunt down and kill anyone who was involved in the court proceedings."

According to the leaders of the federal inquiry into the 9/11 massacres, Justice Department and Pentagon officials are doing everything they can to stall the investigation. Now why ever do you suppose the terrorist-baiting minions of George W. Bush would want to delay a legitimate inquiry into such a lethal assault on America? Perhaps they are being uncooperative because they fear what could happen to the Court-appointed Bush administration when it is declared an "enemy non-combatant."

The CAPBA has built enough stonewalls around 9/11 to rebuild both towers of the WTC several times over.

Israel has initiated the very liberal program of releasing some of innocent people it has rounded up in wholesale sweeps of Palestinian communities. Fortunately they still have an abundant supply of such prisoners so they will be able to continue to make such reforms again and again for the foreseeable future.

Microsoft is no longer offering its employees stock option, it is making the purchase of its stock mandatory. Hey, it worked with operating systems!

According to the New York Times "The [court-appointed] president relied on incomplete and perhaps inaccurate information when he said Iraq had tried to buy uranium from Africa" Too bad he didn't rely on the accurate and complete information provided by Ambassador Wilson from ten months before he made the claim in his State of the Union Address last January!

Then again, if it weren't for incomplete and inaccurate information, Bush wouldn't be the court-appointed president -- so why quibble?

Strom Thurmond is dead. Jesse Helms has left town.Trent Lott has been discredited and now the boll weevil has nearly been eradicated from Southern cotton fields. Next let's get the evangelists!

MSNBC (or as Bartcop hilariously calls it "MSGOP") has fired flaming bigot Michael Savage and will replace him with one of several subtler bigots that the network's executives feel would blend in seamlessly with most of the rest of its on-air personalities. If the homophobe Michael Savage is so opposed to "unnatural acts" then how can he justify his performances on that awful radio show?

How long before they begin construction of the Dennis Miller Theater in Branson, Missouri? Millions of his new fans eagerly await an announcement!

Millions of Miller's former fans eagerly await the time when all they have to do to avoid the scurrilous sellout will be to steer clear of watching FOX News or traveling to Branson, Missouri.

At last Yakov Smirnoff will have someone nearly as hip as him to hang around with between bus arrivals in Branson! It's scary to consider how many people now believe that the American flag has thirteen stripes, fifty stars and a Fox News logo.

Whenever Bush initiates a "reform" the first order of business is to provide a bonanza for the criminal element that needs reforming. The latest is Bush's pension reform. In a few years W's "pension reform," is supposed to begin to benefit workers but until that unlikely day, a grace period, during which an accelerated screwing-over of employees, kicks in. Thanks a lot! Bush is also planning to reform the Head Start program. He wants it to focus more on education and less on frivolities like nutrition. W wants to take the "pre" out of preschool. After all, this country wasn't made great by a bunch of lollygagging three year-olds! If they want to eat, they have to earn it! "OK the first kid who can spell "despair" gets this delicious breadcrust!"

That one's too easy. Too many of the kids in Head Start are already extremely conversant in despair.

"I care about the Head Start program. Remember, I was a big "head" at Yale," said Bush. Bush will also offer a new Head Start program -- this one for adult government officials. It will fund the development of better lies so that they go unchallenged long enough for the liars to escape detection while still in office.

Although he has begun to undercut Head Start, Bush has assured his inner circle that he will continue the highly successful "Rigged Race" program that provides cradle-to-grave advantages for the children of wealthy white Americans. They're screwing workers, little kids, retirees, sick people, immigrants, the environment, minorities, common foot soldiers, consumers, college students, stockholders and more, all in the name of reform. Please spare us of these Bush do-gooders!  



That paragon of academic endeavor, George W. Bush, is forever calling for stricter testing of kids as a means to discredit public education and teachers. The demand for testing is also meant to promote integration of church and state by funneling public funds into institutions that imbue children with various religious superstitions.

Well I say it's time we began even more testing in our society -- but instead of using tests to rob inner city kids of the Head Start Program, school lunches and liberal educations they should be employed to examine the competence and honesty of our political leaders. For example, the next time George W. Bush starts
stampeding us toward war we should thoroughly test every claim he makes before even one soldier is deployed. Had we had such tests in place earlier this year we'd have known that there were no nuclear dealings between Iraq and Niger. We'd have known that al Qaeda and Saddam were not affiliated and we'd have known that there were NO weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Bush's plans for war would have received a grade so poor he would have been flunked completely out of office. Yes, we need much more stringent academic guidelines for
studying rationales for war, giveaways to the rich, takeaways from workers,
the rape of the environment and the decimation of social programs. And that's no joke


I got a new computer a few years ago. It's a Mac and it included the new OSX operating system that included new features like I-Tunes (a great way to digitize, store and play music). Nearly two years later I am just a few months into using OS X. Only two weeks ago I began utilizing the fabulous I-Tunes feature. Why so long? Because the computer was delivered 9/11/01 and although there have been gaps in CrimQuips along the way, there has been no break for me from daily immersion in the squalid affairs of (police) state (save for last summer when my time off was no vacation). In any case, I feel I have to take it a bit easy this summer so that I can be prepared for the sprint to November 2004 that will begin in earnest this fall. Therefore, I will be writing CrimQuips only when I feel like it for the next few months. This may not change the frequency of my offerings at all. In fact, there is an outside chance that the cutting back I will be doing in other areas could free me up for additional quip writing. That said, in all likelihood I will be sending out fewer remarks. I just feel that it's necessary for me to pace myself as we begin to gear up for the electoral destruction of the court-appointed Bush administration. And now if you'll excuse me, I have some music to catch up on! BC * Special thanks go out to Bob Hambrecht for his invaluable assistance with today's quips.


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