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Barry Crimmins

words to live near



CrimQuips 9/17/03 Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins   The question is not if you are (or were) anti-war, the question is: are you pro-quagmire?

Bush's offer to the UN: Come on in the quagmire is fine! And I'm a great lifeguard!

Of course the UN should take control of Iraq for a quick transfer of power to the Iraqi people. The only thing the United States has to lose by leaving Iraq in the hands of the UN is control over the natural resources of that nation. We do not need to control Iraq's oil. What we need to control is our own gluttonous consumption of oil.

If you drive an SUV or giant pickup -- and don't have a very good reason for doing so -- this quagmire is for you!

The USA should take half of the $87 billion W is requesting for his quagmire, earmark it for Iraq, hand it to the UN and say "we are pulling out because we understand that the provocative presence of US troops is doing no one -- particularly the Iraqi people and US troops -- any good." Such a sane move would immediately dampen the radical Islamic case.

$43.5 billion would go a lot further towards rebuilding Iraq than the $87 billion that would mostly end up in Halliburton's vault. Americans who drive SUV's for no legitimate reason should be made to put them to good use by converting them into hearses to transport the remains of the soldiers who have died in Iraq for our needless over-consumption of oil.

Today's tip for motorists: You may not need a four-wheel drive vehicle; you may just need four snow tires. People have been hoodwinked into believing the myth of "all-season" radial tires. Radial tires are only "all-season" in places like Florida and Central America -- but if you get much snow at all, you still need snow tires. Many a sucker has gone from all-season radials to a Mammothmobile because they believed it was the only way to survive winter driving. I use really good radial snow tires on my compact Ford and zoom past stuck SUV's all winter. I saved about $32,000 in the process and that's BEFORE I get to a gas pump. And I don't need a war to get me to the grocery store. ******* Although all but one of the Democratic presidential candidates would provide a vast improvement over George W. Bush (and the other one would represent at least a slight improvement), I have been asked by people to comment more directly on the current Dem field. So here goes...

Governor Howard Dean-- Has done a great job using the internet to make his candidacy viable. Good on health care. Questionable on the environment (pro- Yucca Mt nuke dump? Please!) He says he sees no way we can cut Pentagon budget so I guess he really is a tax and spend liberal! Has betrayed his original anti-war base with his pro-quagmire stance, a cynical move to demonstrate his"electability." At this stage of the game the doctor is out of my top choices.

Reverend Al Sharpton -- Consistently takes some of the best stands on issues and (from what I am hearing) the worst money from right-wing extremists who are attempting to manipulate him into flummoxing Democratic African-American voting strength by creating a racial schism. I trust Al knows better than to try to do that. Anti-quagmire.

Representative Dennis Kucinich- Telling the truth makes a person a long shot in this game. Passionately anti-quagmire and the is the only one speaking out in articulate terms against the multinational racket called "globalization." I think he'll make a stronger than expected showing in Iowa and bring crucial issues into the mix in the process. Despite the attempted (and fairly successful) censorship of his message with conventional wisdom that "he can never win," Dennis Kucinich is the best the in field. You can't have progress without progressives and DK is a true progressive. (And yes, he has got to lose Moe Howard's barber)

Senator John Edwards- Announced his candidacy after running for several months -- and he needed to! His choice to make that announcement on a day when a hurricane was headed for his North Carolina constituents demonstrated he is a single-minded pol. The single thing his mind appears to be political ambition. His failed prez bid may well hurt the Dems and the country by costing a Senate seat to the Gluttonous Old Pigs. His only hope for an immediate political future seems to be as a region-balancing VP choice but even that doesn't even make a lot of sense. Staunchly pro-quagmire.

General Wesley Clark-- OK, he's smart but he must think we're stupid if we don't know he has been anything but anti-war. Read his 4-10-03 London Times column celebrating Bush and Blair's "victory." Better yet, read Fair's excellent compendium of Clark's comments on the war as it unfolded, transpired and allegedly ended. Moderately pro-quagmire. Senator Bob Graham-- Consistently anti-war, consistently dubious about Bush's version of 9/11. Former Florida Governor Barbecue Bob has been consistently wrong on the death penalty. But I guess we could live with that since he can't be any more wrong than Bush -- the leading cause of death in the Southwest during his term as Texas governor. Tepidly anti-quagmire.

Senator Carol Mosley Braun-- In it to mess up Sharpton but certainly not because she is secretly receiving money from the left! Her close ties with the late Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha has already cost the Dems a Senate seat. Unsure where she stands on quagmire but happy to stand in one, when it comes to ethics.

Senator John Kerry- Still has a chance to wake up and catch fire but if it's only to mouth his thus far globalist message, he should simply stay home and help his wife count money. Still, he could really fry Bush's Nam-era military bacon. Pro-quagmire.

Representative Dick Gephardt- Extremely pro-war, pro-quagmire. Although his acceptability to the criminal Jr. Hoffa Teamster regime flicks on several warning lights, he is very good on labor issues. A sure cure for insomnia a stump speaker. If he runs the country with the ineptitude with which he ran the House, it will mean four troubled years. Once I sat between Gore and Gephardt at a luncheon. By comparison, he made Gore seem delightful and intriguing. Mad Magazine has a word for people like Gephardt: Blecch!

Senator Joe Lieberman- Bought and paid for shill of the insurance industry. Took Enron money. To the right of the Likud Party on the Israeli/Palestinian issue. Rabidly pro-war and pro-quagmire. One of the most reprehensible politicians in America, which is saying a lot. The only worse V-P candidate in recent history was Dick Cheney. The day could be 48 hours long and there still wouldn't be enough time for Joe Lieberman to suck as much as he sucks. If the Dems nominate him, sane people would be left no choice but to leave the country before the election.


Pro-quagmire Democrats are just auditioning for the role of LBJ.

The nearly $160 billion Bush has spent and plans to spend on his war/occupation represents nothing more than the misuse of public funds to guarantee Dick Cheney's Halliburton pension. What does Cheney need a pension plan for anyway? The guy has already died about four times.

Cheney's "deferred payments" from Halliburton will be footed by the next several generations of Americans - - providing the country even survives that long after what the court-appointed Bush administration does to it. We could have national healthcare for the money that is spent keeping Cheney undead.

And just how much dough will Lynn Cheney need to enjoy her waning years of despising humanity once medical science and special effects wizards run out of ways to keep her ghoulish spouse on the scene?

And when Lynn goes, where will the family fortune go? To their daughter's ultra-progressive Coors Rainbow Coalition?

Of course that rainbow will only have one stripe and you can bet it will be golden. Give Shadow Emperor Cheney credit; he has proven to be the one person for whom neither death nor taxes seem inevitable.

There is only one way for the US to leave Iraq: USE THE EXITS.

The United States has enflamed the Middle East to the point where Ariel Sharon now thinks he has sufficient cover to call for the assassination of Yassar Arafat, a (regardless of what you think of him) democratically elected leader. If Sharon manages to slay Arafat then the Islamic world will have the mother of all martyrs and it'll be "al-Quadee bar the door."

How outraged would the media be if Yassar Arafat called for the assassination of Ariel Sharon?

All the US has done to protect American troops from increased casualties in Iraq has been to restrict their movements and concentrate their ranks. I seem to recall a similar strategy didn't work so well in Lebanon twenty or so years ago.

Thank goodness Nazi filmmaker Leni Reifenstahl lived long enough to see Karl Rove's lush footage of W on the aircraft carrier.

The only "lush footage" I want to see is that of Bush taking a field sobriety test in Maine.

Every time Bush gives a speech the only word he uses more often than "God" is "terror." Bush can't be much of a Christian, considering how often he uses the "Lord's name in vain."

A recent New York Times piece, meant to be a cautionary tale about socialized medicine, told of how senior citizen/Medicare patients are clogging doctors' offices every time they have a question. Well perhaps if the pharmaceutical industry stopped spending millions and millions of dollars on advertising that implores people to "ask their doctor" if they should be on the latest high-priced concoction, there would be a great reduction in the number of visits to ask doctors questions. Also, the cost of all that advertising wouldn't be included in the price of pills. And then the doctor wouldn't dispense the damned things only to have the patients return, seeking new pills to combat all of the side effects the advertised products caused. The problem isn't socialized medicine; the problem is privatized airwaves.

Besides, who the hell wants to take pills that come with the warning: May cause projectile diarrhea or death. Ask your pusher if Fiscaldrainomene is right for you!

Republicans are outraged at the ACLU lawsuit that has slowed the California recall election. Yeah, taking the time to make sure everyone has an equal chance to vote in an election that is banking on a haphazard premise in the first place is downright un-American!

Augusto Pinochet didn't have to wait to take over Chile, why should Arnold wait to run California?

Did you catch Bush at the coal-burning power plant, where he was promoting clean air? Laura would have joined him but she was at a brothel promoting her pet cause: abstinence.

Just as many who were scoffed at for saying Bush was obviously already cynically exploiting 9/11 in the days after the terrorist attacks, have been proven correct and just as many who were scoffed at for saying W's planned assault on Iraq was based on hooey and would lead to a quagmire, have been proven correct; those who now say the only solution is to bring home the American troops are once again being scoffed at. Never fear, they will be proven to be correct. The moral of this story: it is better to be scoffed at by contemporary lemmings than to be vilified by history.

I caught Ann Coulter on TV last night and she looked twitchier and loopier than ever. She was riding a major "Eva Braun visits the Valley of the Dolls on a promotional tour for the amazing new diet solution anorexia!" vibe. Her self-destruction is picking up velocity and it will be interesting to see just when, how and where it culminates.

2003 Barry Crimmins