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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 3/7/03 Friday, March 7, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

Give Bush credit, he got through an entire softball tournament (aka/press conference) without a single trip to the beer keg.

It was good he was laying off the booze because it probably wouldn't have mixed well with whatever drugs his buddies from Big Pharma provided him with last night.

Bush looked as if the NRA had just ambushed him with an automatic tranquilizer gun.

It was the press conference version of former North Carolina basketball coach Dean Smith's old "four corners," a tactic that was used to keep the score low and the ball out of the opponent's hands. Smith was said to "take the air out of the ball. In this case it was used to over-inflate a windbag. (Sorry, but it is March so some basketball analogies are inevitable. By the way Dean Smith has great politics: anti- death pen, antiwar back during Vietnam and a major fighter for civil rights. So no disrespect is meant towards Coach Smith. That said, "Let's Go Orange!")

A shot clock would have added about 15 questions to last night's tedious stall by Bush.

Aaron Copeland couldn't have created anything even remotely as orchestrated as Bush's "press conference."

That event last night deserved to be called a "press conference" about as much as Bush deserves to be called "president."

Talk about an "imbedded" press corps!
Everyone who collaborated in that sham should have their media credentials burned.

The Pentagon claims it needs "imbedded media" to protect American troops. The White House's use of the imbedded press corps is meant to protect the American people from learning what a pathologically inept and deluded man runs their country.

How long did reporters have to train before they were allowed to participate in the press conference? Did they have to receive a certificate from
Kamp Karl Rove before they were imbedded into the event?

During Bush's staged event, Helen Thomas was being held against her will somewhere, gagged with a defunct copy of the Bill of Rights.

"This is a scripted ..." was close as W came to uttering a fully truthful sentence last night.

Bush implied that if the UN Security Council keeps working for peace, it would show itself to be a fraudulent organization. And to think that many of us believed peace was the central purpose for the United Nations!

Bush's outrage was palpable when he discussed how Saddam Hussein deceives people. After all, how dare he encroach on W's turf?

Bush always refers to "my" government. And his daddy says he doesn't have to give it back.

It stopped being "our" government in December 2000. 12/00. You know, midnight. W said, "I don't like war." But he likes it better than he used to when he could have gone to it but got his father to keep him out of it.

Bush believes war is an acquired taste and so he is attempting to pass along to hundreds of thousands of young American troops. This way they can have the privilege of learning to love it earlier than he did.

Bush said, "We will respect innocent life in Iraq." How? By giving it a good Christian burial?

W repeatedly said, "My job is to protect America." And just like he did back in his National Guard days, it looks like he's headed for some severe dereliction of duty.

Smug people who are sort of smart are annoying.
Smug people who are idiots are really tough to take. W is among the latter.

Asked about American arrogance, Bush gave an arrogant answer, then the tranquilizers kicked back in.

Dubyahoo implied that he has no plans to sever diplomatic ties with France and Germany-- how magnanimous!

Bush asked, "How can we put a cost on a human life? "
We can't, W, because if we did everyone would know that operation Shock and Awe is a far too obscene price to pay for your desired "regime change" in Iraq.

"How can we put a cost on a human life?"
A man whose foreign policy is based on bounties asked this.

Bounty-- the official paper towel of the court-appointed Bush Administration.

Look at Bounty soak up that Iraqi oil!

And not just bounties for individuals, Bush will pay any bribe if the international community just lets him commence carnage.

He has also made none-too-subtle threats about the safety of Mexicans in the US should the Mexican government not vote with Bush in the Security Council. That's right, Bush has reduced himself to making terrorist threats to entire ethnic groups.

Bush kept reminding us that he took an oath to uphold the Constitution.
Of course it's a lot easier to uphold now that Ashcroft's has abridged it.

Bush keeps telling us "Americans love freedom." I suppose it follows that foreigners enjoy enslavement, which would explain the Bush imperialistic foreign policy.

"Saddam tortures his own people."
said Bush, oblivious to the cruel irony inherent in his raising that charge while making America sit through last night's contrived affair.

"Freedom is at stake,"
said Bush. OK, and then why not bomb the Crossgates Mall in Albany, NY?

Bush tried to frame the next UN Security Council vote as a chance for nations to show where they stand concerning Saddam Hussein. But truly the vote will reflect what those nation's feel about the millions of innocents caught in the massive amount of harm's way that stands between George W. Bush and the Iraqi despot.

Bush said, "As we head into the 21st century..." It's official, W doesn't even know what millennium this is.

Then again maybe his "As we head into the 21st century..." remark
is just an indication as to how long it took them to prepare W for last night's phony press conference.

There aren't enough bananas in the world to train this monkey to properly pronounce the word "nuclear."

But hey, if you can't train the president, train the press corps.

Apparently the lesson of 9/11 is that we are supposed to blindly follow George W Bush into an assault on the Iraqi people. And we thought the lesson of 9/11 was that innocents should never again be killed.

When asked about the possibility that an assault on Iraq could provoke new and more awful attacks on the USA, Bush said, "It's hard to envision more terror than 2001." This statement alone proves that the Department of Homeland Security is a waste of billions. 9/11 was horrible but we had better be able to envision worse. If we do, we may be thoughtful enough not to provoke it. For starters, Bush's own plan to "shock and awe" Baghdad will bring state-sponsored terrorist deaths to tens of thousands of more innocents than died in the hateful 9/11 attacks. The planned assault will start with two days of flaming horrific death that will devastate an unoffending populace. And this will enrage people and galvanize the rogue terrorist cause, as their ranks will grow by those whose grief becomes madness, some very serious ramifications are very easy to envision on American shores. Make no mistake, anyone who commits such acts will be wrong and should be hunted down like the murderers they would be, but it would take a nationwide act of self-delusion to believe their acts were not without provocation.

Is anyone, anywhere, naive enough to believe the crap about how Saddam has bought US and British military uniforms so that he can stage atrocities and pin them on his enemies? I'd put almost nothing past Saddam but this is clearly the work of US disinformation specialists, covering bloody tracks in advance for what they know will be a horrific assault on the Iraqi people.

Bush's claiming that his desire to attack Iraq is provoked by a plan to protect American shores is about as logical as
releasing cobras to protect children on playgrounds.

Last night's press conference -- Codename: Operation Awful Crock.

Bush actually told us his biggest worry concerning North Korea is that one of their nukes could end up in the hands of a

dangerous dictator
. What exactly does he think Kim Jong Il is?

Even when answering a question
about the grave danger emanating from North Korea, Bush managed to smugly turn it into an inference about the need to barbecue Iraq.
But no, he isn't fixated on Saddam.

Have you noticed that the demand has gone from Saddam divesting himself of "weapons of mass destruction" to a demand for "complete disarmament?" Saddam is a horrible despot and I'm certain the Iraqi people would love for him to be deposed --but I doubt there are many Iraqis who want him to "completely disarm" as hundreds of thousands of hostile invaders amass on their borders.

Bush repeatedly tells us that Saddam is not disarming. Who was crushing all those missiles the other day? Last we checked, destroying missiles would be an indication of disarmament.

Reports of the US chasing 300 Iraqi spies around the world sound dramatic until you realize that all countries have spies but only the USA brings theirs to the UN Security Council to corroborate testimony by its secretary of state.

Donald Rumsfeld -- Pentagoon.

Considering her remarkably sensible and brave letter to the FBI director, in which she described just how unsound current policies are in the battle against terrorism, Coleen Rowley seems ready to defend her Time Magazine "Person of the Year" title.

Someone, somewhere in the media please mention just once that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the alleged mastermind of 9/11, was (allegedly) captured in Pakistan, NOT IRAQ!

After last week's (alleged) capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a man who had been reported dead last fall, if they announce they have nabbed Osama bin Laden, I will want to want know the whereabouts of actor Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld.)



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© 2003 Barry Crimmins

updated: 17 years ago