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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 2/27/03 Thursday, February 27, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

Court-appointed President Bush claims his assault on Iraq is going to bring peace to the Middle East. Yeah, "rest in" peace.

That's the thing about saturation bombing, when it finally stops and the last few anguished screams subside, it's awfully darned peaceful.

Bush said his war would also set the stage for peace between Israel and a "truly democratic" Palestinian state. His plan for democracy in Palestine would allow all the Jews who were tricked into voting for Pat Buchanan in Florida the chance to actually have their votes counted in Palestinian balloting. But he assured Palestinians that the Floridians wouldn't be allowed to settle in their territories. All they would be doing would be to help choose a Palestinian leader. So both sides get something and Bush gets to mend some fences in Florida, providing of course he is permitted to first level Baghdad. OK, if you followed that you should have no problems with the rest of today's quips.
The way things were going with the Turks, the American military was becoming like one of those garbage scows that drifts about from port to port, hoping some country will eventually permit it to dock.

Bush must be beside himself because he's failed to get legislation passed in time to protect Duke University Medical Center from a frivolous lawsuit over the little error it made transplanting the wrong organs into a patient who died.
And the people who decided it would be a good idea to soundproof a bar with foam made from kerosene are sure to face the wrath of some evil trial lawyers, as well.

In case you missed it; Junior Hoffa, along with Joe Lieberman, CEO of General Dynamics Nicholas Chabraja and a backroom full of the power elite(Bob Kerrey, George Schultz. Sleeeza Rice etc) formed the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq last fall. It's nice to know that the CEO of General Dynamics devotes his spare time anguishing over the liberation peasants in Iraq.

Of course General Dynamics hates Saddam because he has caused people to consider "weapons of mass destruction" to be a pejorative term .

And I'm sure this coalition will lead to all sorts of labor unions in Iraq, right Mr. Hoffa?

The only thing the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq is interested in liberating is oil reserves.

Apparently unaware of what goes on at mints, Govbroner Jeb Bush recently said, "You can't just keep printing money."

Like his brother, Jeb does believe that for war or corporate welfare, it's fine to add extra shifts at the mint and plant nurseries full of money trees.

Is it any wonder that Bush can ignore millions of antiwar protesters when he refuses to consider anything more than two questions from America's governors?

And he asked for the questions in writing, when everyone knows he never reads.
Proposed new slogan for National Public Radio:
NPR- Know your station in life.
Remember the views expressed on NPR may not necessarily be those of the person speaking but they sure as hell had better reflect what the producers think!

Kaiser Ashcroft is now sending the feds out to bust up warehouses that store pot pipes. That was the mistake they made during Prohibition, they failed to outlaw pilsner glasses!

They are rounding up manufacturers and retailers and shutting down websites that sell pieces of glass, stone and metal. At the same time Ashcroft openly refrains from enforcing gun laws and insists upon interpreting those statutes so as to render them more useless than an empty pot pipe.

The country is in an economic deathspin, war is looming, the mass murderer masterminds of 9/11 are nowhere near justice and the Attorney General of the United States is using taxpayer money to break up the sinister bong cartel. That's just about as toxically farcical as things can get.

Hey, Kaiser! I can take an aluminum can and turn it into a pot pipe in ten seconds. In fact, I am now putting the instructions on the internet. Just try and stop me! Too late. Here goes... Take a clean and empty aluminum soda or beer can. Turn it on it's side so the hole you drink from is closest to the floor. Put a crease in the side of the can closest to to the ceiling by pressing down with your thumb. Using a pointed object, jab several small holes in the creased area. Fill creased area with marijuana. Light by holding match to marijuana while inhaling through the hole you drink from. Hold smoke in your lungs. Exhale. And again. Now laugh about what an idiot John Ashcroft is.

Thank goodness court-appointed attorneys aren't as unqualified as this court-appointed president's attorney general or we'd have to build even more prisons because nobody would ever get acquitted of anything.

Why is it that local TV stations never seem to be able to find a helicopter to cover peace rallies but if one of the protesters were to get into a high-speed police chase on the way home, you'd see more choppers than there were in the surfing scene from Apocalypse Now?

Of course the one time an aerial shot has been employed by the corporate media at an American rally, it's by the Hearst newspapers to tell us that there really aren't very many people at peace rallies.
Eric Estrada would make a better judge.
Is it just me or is Dennis Miller channeling George Jessel?
(Watch for my new essay on Miller in next week's Boston Phoenix)

We're still on


and we should be. Any country that can be duped into panicking over false information released at a time when the White House desperately needed a diversion, is in imminent peril.


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© 2003 Barry Crimmins