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Barry Crimmins

words to live near



CrimQuips 7/1/03 Tuesday, July 1, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins   Get this: Bush is making an active effort to shore up his support among the right wing. WOW. I guess the destruction of the tax code, rampant militarism, the appointment of federal judges that did their law clerking for Genghis Khan, environmental policies that will soon turn make our national flower the tumor and the integration of church and state just wasn't enough for the paranoid right to believe in Bush's absolute subservience to their cause. ***

What further concessions can W dream up for the right? Federal rebates to vigilante groups for money spent on tar and feathers? The inclusion of the FOX NEWS logo on all American flags produced after 7/4/03? Door-to-door searches of American homes to identify families in which females wear shoes and make their own decisions about reproduction? ***

Bush letting word out that he wants to appease the right is the equivalent of George Steinbrenner announcing he's willing to increase the New York Yankees' payroll. Don Rumsfeld swears there is neither a quagmire nor a guerilla war in Iraq. Considering that he held his current position during the Vietnam War, he should know.

Rumsfeld added he couldn't remember a drier or more pleasant spring on the East Coast.

Rumsfeld scoffed, "We only have 200 American names for the wall at Gulf War II Memorial and we call that a quagmire? "

All Bush knows about guerilla warfare is that he wishes Ashcroft would hurry up and shut down that damned Smirking Chimp website. Leave it to the Pentagon to create a quagmire in a desert. "OK we are going to need a lot of bottled water. "

"No, Evian is NOT OK. "

Hans Blix left his post at the UN Monday. Prediction- he will not be hired by FOX for expert commentary.

Surprise! Surprise! Dennis Miller has been hired by FOX! That network is about to become so shrill that portions of their programming will only be audible to dogs.

Fortunately, no dog anywhere is stupid enough to listen to FOX.

When I worked for Miller he turned down numerous requests to appear on an NPR show with several notable political satirists. He said he felt uncomfortable attempting to appear conversant in current events among a group of knowledgeable peers. How generous of Sean Hannity to finally provide a setting where Miller's lack of insight will prove to be an asset.

Miller went for an airplane ride with the court-appointed President last weekend. Apparently they hit it off so well that W had Karl Rove stuff an honorary flight-suit codpiece for Miller, just like the one Bush wore when he landed on the Abraham Lincoln, all dressed up like pilot! The flight was dubbed: Operation Ersatz Manhood.

Speaking at a Bush fundraiser after his ride with the court-appointed prez, Miller called the battle between the nine Democratic presidential candidates an "empty-headed scrum." His failure to come up with anything wittier than that makes it clear that Miller no longer has any writers capable of filling his empty head with comments that would help him rise above status of charlatan and sell-out.

After hearing the "scrum" remark, Kaiser Ashcroft instituted an investigation of Miller for his fluent use of a foreign sports term.

Miller called Howard Dean "Neville Chamberlain" in an attempt to besmirch the Democratic contender for having had the good sense to stand against Bush's fraudulent war in Iraq. After making the remark, Miller attended a special meeting with W's high command, where they discussed their stepped-up program of preemptive character assassination of all political opposition, laughed about their racially motivated roundups of Arab-American and prepared the next phase in their plan to take over the world in this "New American Century. "

But Howard Dean is the one appeasing fascists, eh, Dennis?

For his remark accusing Dean of acquiescing to Nazis, Miller should be given a lifetime membership in the projectionist's union. Dennis Miller no longer has an agent. He now employs a pimp. I was thinking of leaving the next subject alone until I read the sanitized accounts of the late Strom Thurmond's (that has a nice ring to it) life, in which they tried to make his latter day hiring of a few token African-Americans for meaningless positions into some sort of legacy. This guy ran for president on the "send the Blacks back to Africa" (he didn't use the term "Blacks") platform in 1948. He was a passionate defender of lynching and he filibustered against civil rights legislation in the Sixties. That is what he did and his actions need to be remembered or he will be allowed to hide behind the doddering facade he erected as he went to seed in the Senate as an octogenarian and nonagenarian.

Herewith my tribute to the late Strom Thurmond: Strom Thurmond's death is senseless. It could have done so much good 60 years ago but now that he has been replaced with a new generation of bigots, it really takes a lot of the joy out of his passing. Strom Thurmond's death certainly provided Satan with a timely opportunity to test drive the newly liberalized sodomy laws.

That Supreme Court decision must have had Thurmond rolling over on his slab.

These are exciting days in South Carolina: the gas line has been run to Thurmond's grave and the eternal cross is ready for lighting!

There was great excitement over whether South Carolina or Georgia would get the first eternal cross lit: South Carolinia's at Strom's grave or Georgia 's at Lester Maddux's freshly dug resting place.

Thurmond's final resting place is located on a lovely hillside in the shade of a "beautiful lynching tree," just as he requested.

Trent Lout (KKK- Mississippi) should eulogize the Senator, seeing how he already buried himself with Thurmond several months ago.

Maddux and Thurmond going in the same week the Supreme Court made a landmark civil rights decision certainly makes for a positive omen. The next big test will be to see if the Great Spirit finally issues an effective death certificate for Dick Cheney.

Cheney's heart was designed by the same people that make those trick birthday candles.

If bigots keep dropping like they did last week, any plans for the "South rising again " will have to utilize zombies. They stopped filming the new Bob Hope sitcom version of the Picture of Dorian Gray in deference to the passing of his fellow Republican, Strom Thurmond.

I repeat-- Thurmond, like Dennis Miller and all public figures should be remembered for what they did when they were most powerful. Thurmond fought the civil rights movement with every fiber in his body. He was a bigot who supported the exploitation and terrorization of African-Americans by segregationists, lynch mobs and nightriders. The passing of such a person does not diminish us.

Dennis Miller has backed a petty little man who sits in stolen office and is dictatorially imposing his tunnel vision upon innocents at home and abroad. Not since the days of McCarthyism has there been a show business collaborator as pernicious as Dennis Miller. And Miller is even worse than the McCarthy-era Quislings because at least they caved into a genuine threat back then. Miller unilaterally signed on in support of the national malignancy festering in the White House. His deeds will be well remembered when he someday passes from the scene. If we don't keep such ledgers, people will think they can get away with anything so long as they live long enough to become hollowed out parodies of themselves like Strom Thurmond. Well Strom, we remember who you really were and Dennis, we will always remember who you really are. You have chosen your side, taken your actions and it is a matter of historic record. You have stained yourself so indelibly that not even the ages will fade the blotch upon your character. Much the same, I'm responsible for my words and deeds and if I'm wrong, then the stain is upon me. But I'm not wrong. I don't get the rewards sell-outs like Miller receive but I am confident that my efforts will earn passing grades on the test of time.

Speaking of time.... on Thursday, July 3 between 11AM and 12 PM I will join the Christmas Comedy Coup Players on WBAI radio in New York for a few moments of reflection on the occasion of my fiftieth (yikes!) birthday.


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© 2003 Barry Crimmins ***