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Quips & Comments 5-3-'02 Friday, May 3, 2002

by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

The George W. Bush Story: From Heir Apparent to Apparent Error.

If Bill Gates doesn't follow through on his threat to remove Microsoft Windows from the market, we have to hope he at least has the decency to withdraw the company's Virus Express e-mail software.

I'd sooner French kiss Typhoid Mary than install Microsoft Outlook or Outlook Express on my computer.

Historical note -- Typhoid Mary probably was not the cause of the typhoid outbreak for which she was blamed but there's no doubt that Outlook is the superhighway of computer viruses. Nothing says "I hate you" like putting someone's e-mail address in an Outlook/Virus Express address book.

The Court-appointed Bush Administration's plan to replace low, fixed-interest student loan rates with much higher variable interest rates is actually a compromise. Originally it was pushing for indentured servitude for all middle class and poor U.S. college students.

Under Bush's plan student loan officers would be replaced by student loan sharks.

Anyone who doesn't have a platinum card with a high enough credit limit to cover tuition, fees and housing wouldn't be able to rack up the frequent flyer bonus points necessary to go somewhere great with the frat on spring break. Bush feels someone like that just doesn't belong in college. Bush says he's so close to his departing adviser Karen Hughes that, "We finish each other's sentences." Excellent! Now we can look forward to seeing W serve time in a women's prison.

Had they not gone into politics, Bush and Hughes were considering becoming professional Match Game players.

Historical note: The Match Game was a bad American television game show, immortalized by my friend Mike Donovan's hilarious stand-up piece about it.

Match Game players were asked to fill in blanks at the end of sentences. For example: Congress said to Cheney: " Show us your blank"

Cheney: "And 'blank' is exactly what I'll show you."

Of course W has already shown us that he's blank.

After she leaves the White House, let's hope Karen and W will keep each other's e-mail info in their Outlook Express address books.

When asked about derogatory comments Yassir Arafat made about Israel, Bush spinmeister Ari Fleischer said, "The president thinks the important step for all three parties is for them to now ask themselves what can they do to bring peace to the region, not what can they do to speak ill of others.'' It's obvious that Fleischer won't soon be sent to the West Bank. That doesn't, however, rule out a Fleischer ill-will mission to Venezuela.

Former running mates -- and fellow victims of the largest electoral theft in history -- Al Gore and Joe Lieberman are both gearing bids for Democratic 2004 presidential nomination. Lieberman will look to outflank Gore from the right -particularly concerning the Middle East. In doing so he could accidentally wind up in a turf war with Ariel Sharon.

It's not likely though -- Lieberman is pretty much a Connecticut Lackey in King Ariel's Court.Gore says picking Lieberman was "the single best decision I made in that campaign." Which may say more about his campaign than his respect for Lieberman.

I still maintain Gore would have done better with a Democrat as a running mate.

Special announcement: Coming to barrycrimmins.com in May-- audio files of some of Barry's commentaries. Now Ashcroft will have something to play at the tribunal. Brought to you by the good folks at ENORMO

© 2002 Barry Crimmins