CrimQuips
Quips & Comments 4-25-02 Thursday, April 25, 2002
by Barry Crimmins
http://www.barrycrimmins.com
Court-appointed President Bush spoke at a South Dakota plant that turns corn into ethanol yesterday. Sure enough, moments after W finished his remarks, the plant had transformed the speech into ethanol.
An impressed Bush immediately promised to open all national parks to corn drilling.
He then inquired if ethanol was good with pretzels.
The Court-appointed Bush Administration supports a bill to abolish the Immigration and Naturalization Service -- but only as a first step. What it really wants is to abolish are immigrants -- in their own countries before they have a chance to even consider coming to the United States.
The Court-appointed Bush Administration is reviving the beloved symbol of environmentalism Woodsy the Owl for use as a GOP fundraising device. They'll change Woodsy's slogan from "Give a hoot! Don't Pollute!" to "Give us loot, then pollute!"
Jean-Marie Le Pen says his biggest challenge if he wins the French presidential race will be assembling a cabinet because all the really good fascists are already working in the Bush Administration.
If all it costs is for CNN and Ted Turner's various cable mainstays, Time and its affiliated magazines and the Warner entertainment conglomerate to face financial ruin for people to finally realize that AOL is, and always has been, an obscenely overvalued clunky portal to the Internet, it's a small price to pay.
Judging by the financial news coming from the media conglomerate, AOL stands for "Aggregation of Losses."
Bill Gates is threatening to pull Microsoft's Windows operating system from the market if the mammoth corporation's loses its latest antitrust court battle. Some people lose big battles and call down a pox upon humanity but the altruistic Gates has already made contingency plans to lift a pox if he loses. Such magnanimity!
Now that the Catholic Church can no longer get away with imposing the secret of pedophile priests on powerless and easily silenced children, it has gone to Plan B -- blame powerless and easily silenced gay priests for the crimes of pedophile priests.
Just what we need during an escalating human rights scandal involving children -- a call for human rights offenses against gays.
Message from Rome: We have no problems that institutional bigotry can't solve.
The College of Cardinals is so compromised, even the NCAA is considering sanctions.
After their meeting in Rome, Catholic cardinals have decided that priests guilty of "serial, predatory sexual abuse of minors" will be defrocked. So plain old predatory sexual abuse of minors is OK, just don't make it a habit.
And serial, predatory sexual abuse of adults by priests is fine, too.
If priests are deemed "not notorious," they won't face mandatory expulsion from the priesthood. So remember, Padre, if you want to molest kids, be discreet and make damned sure you don't get any notoriety.
The Vatican has zero tolerance for notoriety.
Why not reassign Cardinals Law and Egan to the Church of the Nativity?
Speaking of which, Israeli troops reportedly bulldozed a small manger outside the Church of the Nativity because it was obstructing their sharpshooters.
Speaking in London, war criminal emeritus Henry Kissinger has acknowledged that he may have made some mistakes while using the US government like an Amway distributorship of human rights offenses. "For instance," he admitted, "it was a big mistake not to kill more witnesses to the atrocities I masterminded."
A printing mix-up caused US troops to accidentally distribute flyers to Afghan civilians that read, "Stay in your houses and we will kill you." They should have read, "Stay in your houses or we will kill you." Fortunately, the message was corrected and only homeless Afghans were slain.
There's an even happier ending: US ally Ariel Sharon bought all the "Stay in your houses and we will kill you" flyers and has since ordered several more batches.
Several alleged Venezuelan coup leaders are now living in South Florida, safe in the knowledge that people who subvert the democratic will of nations can always find sanctuary in the Sunshine State.
Much as the media bosses would love to follow up on the Take the Money Enron scandal and its obvious ties to the Court-appointed Bush Administration, they just don't have the people available to cover it and properly report on the most pressing issue of the day -- the murder investigation of a washed-up actor.
Were it to be a real scandal like Whitewater or the falsely alleged vandalism of a few $22 keyboards and the theft of some ashtrays, then they'd have no choice but to free up some reporters. This Enron thing just isn't big enough to emerge from Robert Blake's shadow.
2002 Barry Crimmins
*******
http://www.barrycrimmins.com
Court-appointed President Bush spoke at a South Dakota plant that turns corn into ethanol yesterday. Sure enough, moments after W finished his remarks, the plant had transformed the speech into ethanol.
An impressed Bush immediately promised to open all national parks to corn drilling.
He then inquired if ethanol was good with pretzels.
The Court-appointed Bush Administration supports a bill to abolish the Immigration and Naturalization Service -- but only as a first step. What it really wants is to abolish are immigrants -- in their own countries before they have a chance to even consider coming to the United States.
The Court-appointed Bush Administration is reviving the beloved symbol of environmentalism Woodsy the Owl for use as a GOP fundraising device. They'll change Woodsy's slogan from "Give a hoot! Don't Pollute!" to "Give us loot, then pollute!"
Jean-Marie Le Pen says his biggest challenge if he wins the French presidential race will be assembling a cabinet because all the really good fascists are already working in the Bush Administration.
If all it costs is for CNN and Ted Turner's various cable mainstays, Time and its affiliated magazines and the Warner entertainment conglomerate to face financial ruin for people to finally realize that AOL is, and always has been, an obscenely overvalued clunky portal to the Internet, it's a small price to pay.
Judging by the financial news coming from the media conglomerate, AOL stands for "Aggregation of Losses."
Bill Gates is threatening to pull Microsoft's Windows operating system from the market if the mammoth corporation's loses its latest antitrust court battle. Some people lose big battles and call down a pox upon humanity but the altruistic Gates has already made contingency plans to lift a pox if he loses. Such magnanimity!
Now that the Catholic Church can no longer get away with imposing the secret of pedophile priests on powerless and easily silenced children, it has gone to Plan B -- blame powerless and easily silenced gay priests for the crimes of pedophile priests.
Just what we need during an escalating human rights scandal involving children -- a call for human rights offenses against gays.
Message from Rome: We have no problems that institutional bigotry can't solve.
The College of Cardinals is so compromised, even the NCAA is considering sanctions.
After their meeting in Rome, Catholic cardinals have decided that priests guilty of "serial, predatory sexual abuse of minors" will be defrocked. So plain old predatory sexual abuse of minors is OK, just don't make it a habit.
And serial, predatory sexual abuse of adults by priests is fine, too.
If priests are deemed "not notorious," they won't face mandatory expulsion from the priesthood. So remember, Padre, if you want to molest kids, be discreet and make damned sure you don't get any notoriety.
The Vatican has zero tolerance for notoriety.
Why not reassign Cardinals Law and Egan to the Church of the Nativity?
Speaking of which, Israeli troops reportedly bulldozed a small manger outside the Church of the Nativity because it was obstructing their sharpshooters.
Speaking in London, war criminal emeritus Henry Kissinger has acknowledged that he may have made some mistakes while using the US government like an Amway distributorship of human rights offenses. "For instance," he admitted, "it was a big mistake not to kill more witnesses to the atrocities I masterminded."
A printing mix-up caused US troops to accidentally distribute flyers to Afghan civilians that read, "Stay in your houses and we will kill you." They should have read, "Stay in your houses or we will kill you." Fortunately, the message was corrected and only homeless Afghans were slain.
There's an even happier ending: US ally Ariel Sharon bought all the "Stay in your houses and we will kill you" flyers and has since ordered several more batches.
Several alleged Venezuelan coup leaders are now living in South Florida, safe in the knowledge that people who subvert the democratic will of nations can always find sanctuary in the Sunshine State.
Much as the media bosses would love to follow up on the Take the Money Enron scandal and its obvious ties to the Court-appointed Bush Administration, they just don't have the people available to cover it and properly report on the most pressing issue of the day -- the murder investigation of a washed-up actor.
Were it to be a real scandal like Whitewater or the falsely alleged vandalism of a few $22 keyboards and the theft of some ashtrays, then they'd have no choice but to free up some reporters. This Enron thing just isn't big enough to emerge from Robert Blake's shadow.
2002 Barry Crimmins
*******