_

Barry Crimmins

words to live near

instagram

CrimQuips

CrimQuips 10/28/03 Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com   Don't you find the White House's new "I can't believe we have to revisit these issues about the war simply because we have been caught lying at every turn" campaign a bit difficult to swallow?

This war is about as defensible as Bush's FDA's challenge of Illinois' plan to supply seniors with cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.

The FDA implied that Canadian drugs might not be as safe as US prescriptions of the exact same products. Isn't this how the protection racket works? The thug shows up and says. "I would hate if something happened because of your unwise decision not to carry my product at my price."

Where's free trade when we need it?

I love how Paul Wolfowitz implied that the deadly and massive strike on the very hotel in which he, the man who dreamed up W's war long before 9/11, was staying, was a desperate act by a few "freedom-haters." Let's face it, Wolfowitz got the rebel version of a smart bomb down his smokestack. Oh yeah, Paul, the ability to attack with impunity is the surest sign of a desperate enemy.

The good news is chickenhawk Wolfowitz has finally seen some action.

They wheeled a device armed with twenty missiles into a park across from the top visiting U.S. official's hotel, set the thing off, did major damage and we are supposed to believe it was a lucky shot by a few straggling Saddamites? Come on! If the people of Baghdad really loved the alleged freedom that has been brought to them, do you suppose they'd have let anyone wheel up a jitney of death, kick start it and point it at the primary architect of their alleged liberation? Wolfowitz, although shaken by the assault, was able to resume lying after only a very short interruption of disservice.

Wolfowitz wasn't physically harmed but he did lose two cowls and a pitchfork in the attack.

An American official hasn't been greeted so rudely since W spoke to the Australian legislature last week. Kind of makes you wish you were represented by an Australian legislator, doesn't it? The US can't spot a jitney of death under the Undersecretary of Defense's window but it's second-to none when it comes to guaranteeing the existence of fictional weapons of mass destruction. Why not allow Wolfowitz to do something useful while he's at the quagmire he provoked? Let's issue him a helmet and a rifle and have him pull graveyard-shift guard duty half a click from the Al-Rashid. Then let the poor soldier he replaced "risk" sleeping in his suite. "Who goes there?" -- "Straggling freedom haters!" And unlike many US troops, Wolfowitz has the necessary connections to get himself a Kevlar vest. In fact, they're still trying to get the stains out of the Kevlar briefs Wolfowitz was wearing Sunday.

***

How much more lying can the court-appointed Bush Administration do? Consider the crap they heap upon us: The environment benefits from pollution The evisceration of civil liberties is patriotic. The price-gouging of seniors for prescriptions is for their own good. Every time another several billion cubic liters of quicksand are added to the Iraqi Quagmire, it only proves how much stronger the American position has become. If you believe any of this, W is your boy. Otherwise, make a donation to the Democratic candidate of your choice today.

***

The main reason they put Condi (and I'm not being familiar, I'm just sick of spelling her endless name) Rice in charge of the fiascoes in Iraq and Afghanistan is because it goes a long way towards removing them from congressional oversight. In any case, she has now been handed a bigger bag than Schwarzenegger.

The Rice appointment reiterates the fact that Republicans are never afraid to dump hopeless tasks in the laps of African-American women.

And so Condi's been rewarded for all those years of collaborating by being put in charge of the mess made by the Vietnam War Re-enactors that control the Oval Office.

War Re-enacting -- It's Not Just a Hobby Anymore!

The name "Rice" may soon eclipse that of "Quisling." Conthelegions Rice

The court-appointed Bush Administration's ban on media coverage of returning coffins of US fatalities from the Iraqi Quagmire isn't meant to keep the true impact of the Quagmire censored from public view. No, it's being enforced because the Bushists are concerned that allowing such footage to be shot would precipitate a nationwide videotape shortage. Bush increases *IQ Each day! *Iraqi Quagmire If W finds a way to speed US citizenship for all the deposed Latin-American despots now hunkered down in Miami, he may not have to rig the Florida vote to win the Sunshine State in 2004.

Ignore Rush Limbaugh-- A Waste is a Terrible Thing To Mind

Rush Limbaugh: Talent on loan from Oxycontin! Mega-dose-o's! Considering the kind of brains they all seem to have, wouldn't a better name be: The Reptilican Party? Health & Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson is supporting plans for a National Health Museum. That ought to provide a nice walk down Memory Lane-- at least for those Americans for whom HMO's haven't yet denied claims for crutches and canes. At the Health Museum you don't get a ticket, you schedule an appointment-- but you can only do this if you have a referral from another museum. You check in for your appointment and then spend the next several hours in a waiting room reading magazines that are older than anything in the Library of Congress's periodical collection. Just as you are about to finally enter the museum, an HMO representative calls the receptionist and you are informed that you no longer have a valid claim to enter. Wesley Clark is a man of his convictions. He has disengaged in Iowa just as he thinks W should disengage in Iraq.

Lieberman's withdrawal from Iowa is more interesting, I had thought he was only bought and paid for by the Insurance cabal and extreme reactionary supporters of Israel but his ducking out of Iowa may indicate he is also owned by the bane of the Hawkeye State: Big Agribusiness.

I'm not sure whether Lieberman's Detroit debate performance is better summarized as: "No Republican will keep me from behaving like a Republican" or "No Democrat will keep me from behaving like a Republican," but it's one of the two. Recently the New York Times labeled Joe Lieberman a "centrist." There's a statement that would look absurd in the National Review. Bush says the Ramadan Offensive won't deter him, which is true -- but only because he is nowhere near Baghdad.

The Tet Offensive didn't bother W during Nam, much for the same reason.

Yesterday RJ Reynolds announced plans to buy fellow tobacco behemoth Brown & Williamson, creating the world's largest private distributor of carcinogens (the Pentagon outpaces the public field). Then Anthem signaled its intention to purchase Wellpoint Health Networks and create the nation's largest health insurer. Ironically, more Americans will die as a result of the health care merger.

According to some guy I heard on the radio, Anti-Semitism is more pervasive than ever because it has spread to members of the Israeli military whose open questioning of Ariel Sharon's tactics are clearly the result of their own self-loathing.

The dissenting Israeli soldiers ought to just transfer to the Malaysian military and get it over with!

Wal-Mart's now exposed use of illegal aliens on its clean-up crews reminds us that there is no bargain so great as to justify the puny value Wal-Mart puts on life. The clean-up crews, that worked as many as 363 nights per year, now face deportation for being tireless and grossly underpaid laborers for a nefarious and highly profitable corporation. Were there any justice, Wal-Mart would be deported and the laborers would stay. Then we could see Wal-Mart attempt to sell its crap to the de facto slave labor that manufactures its merchandise. Now that would require some price slashing!

With Medicare costs rising and the senior population growing, the court-appointed Bush administration is quietly taking a long, hard second look at Soylent Green.

Wal-Mart would be happy to market it. Of course eventually it would switch to cheaper Chinese Soylent Green.

The Reagan Library is being threatened by the California wildfires. If flames consume the entire structure, nearly a dozen books could be lost.

The collection includes several phonebooks and Kitty Kelly's oral history of Nancy Reagan's relationship with Frank Sinatra.

If the Reagan library is incinerated, the books will be swept up and moved to the John Ashcroft Library, which is an urn. REMEMBER: If the books are in ashes, they're from Ashcroft! Jeb Bush ordered the feeding tube of a brain-damaged woman reinserted after her husband had received court backing to honor her wish to not live as a vegetable. Too bad she wasn't an impoverished child or Jeb would have been happy to let her starve to death. Did you see W attempt to pronounce President Megawati Sukarnoputri's name last week in Indonesia? He butchered it up and barbecued it Texas -style. If the Pentagon activates any more reserves, they'll to have to call out the National Guard to help families of the National Guard.

Russian oil baron Mikhail Khodorkovsky was seized by security agents on charges of fraud and tax evasion thus proving there are still some big differences between our two countries. For instance: In Russia, corrupt oil tycoons are seized by the state. In the USA, corrupt oil tycoons seize the state.

The new energy bill isn't moving through Congress as quickly as many had hoped but remember, it takes time to make sure that enough cronies, hucksters and racketeers benefit immodestly from the power grid crisis. Enron set a high standard in California-- it robbed billions and helped precipitate the sack of Sacramento with its underhanded dealings. It will take time for Congress to set up Enron's competitors in a position to do the same sort of damage to the entire nation. Pharmaceutical giant Merck is cutting 4,400 jobs. Laid off workers will receive a termination package that includes a year's supply of antidepressants.

updated: 17 years ago