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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 10/12/03 Sunday, October 12, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

Maybe if Californians took their gubernatorial votes as seriously as they take their American Idol ballots, last week's electoral embarrassment would have never occurred. It's not the caliber of a candidate's character that counts, what's important is the quality of the special effects in his movies.

Fictional Governor-elect Schwarzenegger's

first rule of swaying the masses: never say anything that won't fit on a tee-shirt.

If Arnold's new reality show is as much of a bust as I'm guessing it will be, he may soon be facing a Total Recall of his own.

Schwarzenegger doesn't need a platform -- he needs a script. It may be tough to find a good one since the fictional governor-elect snubbed all of the screenwriters, that made him what he appears to be today, by not thanking them in his acceptance speech. I'm not sure whether or not Arnold is still on steroids but clearly his makeup person is.

That said, he is an inspiration to orange people everywhere.

Maybe the fictional governor-elect will try to solve the California budget deficit crisis by finding the right producer.

Arnold will do what he promises-- at least for the Enron muckety-mucks who now have their hand-picked shill in power to ensure they'll never pay back 9 billion they looted from California. Now they'll only pay the 2¢ on the dollar Bush's fixers okayed.(in case you missed Greg Palast's excellent piece on this, check it out)

Bush's cronies at Enron loot $9 billion from California and Gray Davis gets ousted over an $8 billion deficit. Now another Enron lackey takes over the state but the bad guys aren't winning, are they? (And for you newcomers, I am not now nor have I ever been enamored with Gov. Davis but fair is fair and this doesn't pass the sniff test -- even when it is administered from 3,000 miles away.)

Things will be kind of slow in the Golden State until Vin Diesel decides whether or not to make a US Senate run.

Arnold's next feature will be called Be Careful What You Wish For.

Schwarzenegger's win is a victory for the little guy. Well actually it's a victory for the little, cheesy, perverted guy who can only dream of committing sexual battery again and again without facing any consequences.

Many governor's claw their way to the top, Arnold just claws tops.

I've heard of the People's Choice Awards but this is ridiculous.

Enough of the Fictional Governor-elect -- hand him the very large bag he so craved and keep the cameras rolling. George W. Bush boldly promises that he can repair the economy by further engorging the rich. He says he has a plan to eradicate terrorism from Planet Earth -- completely. He says he'll find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq despite the fact that by all accounts, none are there. He guarantees that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein will be, without question, brought to justice. He is sure that he will turn Iraq into a western-style democracy in the very near future, providing we just forge a bit more deeply into the quagmire. He effortlessly maintains a straight face when he asserts that he will improve the environment by severely truncating regulations on corporate polluters. To listen to this man you'd have to believe he thinks he can do just about anything, no matter how illogical or improbable. But even W. has his limits and we have finally discovered something not even he thinks likely to be accomplished: the court-appointed prez recently said he doesn't think that the identity of the "senior White House official" who leaked the identity of Ambassador Wilson's CIA agent wife will ever be discovered. So he's willing to go to the ends of the Earth to fight those he labels as terrorists but he is quite reluctant to go to the end of the hall to find someone in his own office who has intentionally terrorized a government employee.

It's too bad the White House isn't as good at protecting the identities of intelligence officials as it is at protecting the identity of senior White House officials that out intelligence officials that are married to whistle-blowers.

The Chicago Cubs finally seemed to escape the curse of the billy goat when an eveb worse hex befalls the ill-fated team-- Donald Rumfeld has announced he's a Cub fan.

Dick Cheney ridiculed any opposition to the Iraq Quagmire in a speech to the Heritage Foundation. Right, Dick, what kind of an argument are body bags, or profiteering or sane energy policies compared to your need to plunge us into the war and generations of debt just to pay for your Halliburton pension plan?

King Tut's tomb is a humble grovel when contrasted with Cheney's Halliburton platinum parachute.

They've built a special passage from Shadow Emperor Cheney's crypt that leads directly to the Heritage Foundation so that he can make appearances there without the risk of ever being exposes to lethal sunshine.

Bush is cracking down on Cuba. When in doubt, turn to the democracy-loving Batista supporters. Funny how those Batista supporters hated democracy when their boy was in power but have developed a taste for it in Miami. Except, of course, in US presidential races.

Rush Limbaugh is working on a new self-help guide for Republicans: When Bad Things Happen To Bad People.

If Limbaugh were held to his own standard of justice the only twelve steps he'd be taking would be on the way to the license plate shop.

Mayor John Street of Philadelphia, who ran an extremely successful "get out the vote" campaign that tipped the 2000 Pennsylvania vote to Al Gore, is now facing FBI office-bugging and smears by innuendo. This means just one thing: Karl Rove believes Pennsylvania is a toss-up in the 2004 race. But I'm sure there was no petty little vendetta there.

Why take the time to disenfranchise all of those voters when you can just discredit their champion?

The Muslim chaplain charged in Guantanamo is probably guilty of one thing: semi-humane behavior in what are intended to be brutally inhumane circumstances.

2003 Barry Crimmins

updated: 17 years ago