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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 11/30/03 Sunday, November 30, 2003

Happy 168th Birthday Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

When did Ed McMahon and Dick Clark become the executive producers of Bush's personal appearance schedule?

What's Bush do next? Play a wacky trick on celebrity governor Arnold Shckelgroper?

"Look at yourself captured on our secret cameras, Arnold, you really thought she was going to press charges, didn't you?"

"Ya, W gott me goot dat time!"


The methods employed on Bush's Baghdad trip were nothing new for him -- he's been flying with the lights out for years.

Besides, vampires always operate under the cover of darkness.

Rumor has it that the landing gear for Bush's plane included training wheels.

How in hell did they get an aircraft carrier into Baghdad is the real question.

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Bush didn't visit Iraq so much as have a layover there.

It would be like you or I making a connection at O'Hare and then bragging about how we really got a chance to know Chicago.

"And here's a picture of me with the skycaps who are synonymous with the Windy City."

"Wow! Chicago is just full of duty-free shops and there are news kiosks everywhere!"

"Many of the older natives travel by golf cart."


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The biggest danger of a daylight mission for Bush would have been that he'd have seen for himself that there are no weapons of mass destruction.

Considering her visits to Afghanistan and Iraq (not layovers, mind you, but actual visits!) Hillary Clinton is Audie Murphy compared to Bush.

If Bush were so damned heroic, he'd have visited a field hospital.

But then, if Bush were heroic, there'd be no need for field hospitals.

The court-appointed prez has inspired many young Americans to emulate his courageous act. Armed services recruiting offices have been flooded with volunteers to take deluxe, catered, private flights to Iraq that: arrive under the cover of night, take part in ceremonies in their honor and then get the hell out before dawn.

Next year Bush plans to make a truly daredevil mission-- he's going to return to Iraq while daylight savings is in effect.

Bush's jet to Baghdad is quickly becoming a led balloon.

The footage of W's airport visit provides the US with some propaganda to counter all of those Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein tapes that keep turning up on Al Jazeera.

The average National Guardsman/woman stationed in Iraq spends more time waiting in line to use a pay phone than Bush spent in-country.

If traveling in the dark makes you a hero then millions of Iraqis have been heroes for most of the time since last March.

Whenever Bush makes one of these stunt appearances he has but one steadfast companion by his side: the hokey stench of Karl Rove.

A big sign that hangs in Rove's office says: MISSION ACCOMPLICE.

How many non-photo-op soldiers ended up pulling mysterious Thanksgiving duty because of the increased security demands of W's visit? I bet they sure had a special holiday.

Of course the airport troops were happy to see Bush. They knew so long as he was there they were in the one safe spot in Baghdad.

I flew to Madison, Wisconsin last month and ran into more than 600 troops -- and that was just at the security checkpoints.

When they smuggled that heinous medicare bill past us under cover of night, Rove decided that Bush's touch and go visit to Baghdad just might work.

With all the traveling he's done lately, W is really piling up the frequent liar miles.

Bush hasn't done anything this glorious since he helped take San Diego last May.

"Psst. Hail the conquering hero. Pass it on."

Nobody has full-time work anymore, not even wartime soldiers. Consider all the National Guard units involved in the Iraqi Quagmire. The American military has gone from Kelly's Rangers to Kelly Girls.

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2003 Barry Crimmins

updated: 17 years ago