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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 12/30/03 Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Former New Jersey Republican Governor Thomas Kean, the chairman of the so-called Independent Inquiry Into 9/11, says that had available intelligence information been properly utilized, the 2001 terror attacks were preventable. If he thinks pre-9/11 intelligence was poorly utilized, he should consider how little intelligence we have used since then.

Besides, had 9-11 been avoided there'd have been even fewer phony reasons for attacking Iraq.

In fairness, it should be remembered that the court-appointed Bush administration had the blueprint for needless war with Iraq in place long before 9/11. So let's be careful about pointing fingers!

In fact the blueprint for needless war with Iraq was in place even before the Bushists drew up plans for stealing the 2000 election. Talk about preparedness!

Back-peddling from the implications of his remarks, Kean said, "We're going to avoid a rush to judgment." Rough translation: Hey, I'm a good Republican. Rest assured I'll do all I can to keep the details from leaking before November 2004.

A certain radio commentator called Kean and privately pleaded for him to stop using the words "rush" and "judgment" in the same sentence.

It's official! The "Freedom Tower" will fill the physical void left behind by the destroyed World Trade Center structures. It is named in memory of all the civil liberties that have been assassinated by the court-appointed Bush administration since 9/11.

The Freedom Tower will be 1,776 feet tall, including plenty of residential space because people just love to move their families to the sites of horrific tragedies.
The pricing will be unique for skyscrapers: the higher the floor, the lower the rent.

Finally, some affordable housing in Manhattan!

Instead of a posh restaurant on the top floor, there'll be a Burger King.

The Muzak on the elevators will only play songs by Toby Keith, Hank Williams Jr. and Lee Greenwood.

After 100 or so stories of "I'm Proud to be an American,"you'll be ready to face anything.

And you thought the Target Center was in Minneapolis.

You have to hope that the obviously hurting Saddam Hussein has not been prescribed Oxycontin by the military medicos. The painkiller, known to cause deluded, nonstop yammering in fascists, would render any interrogation of Hussein useless.

Reports that Kurds actually captured and drugged Saddam Hussein, leaving him as a sitting duck/spider for American troops have been well-reported internationally but have been scarcer than decent motives in the new Medicare bill in the US corporate media.

Apparently, Saddam's capture was nothing more than the result of a "canned hunt" on a Kurdish game farm.

Canned hunts are how all those manly Texas "sportsmen" bag tigers in Amarillo or El Paso. The creatures live in a fenced in compound, hand-fed by humans from infancy until one day Bungalow Bubba pulls up in his SUV and serves the unsuspecting kitty a double-barrelled lunch.

This time the intrepid Texans came back with the head of a genuine eight-point freedom hater.

Considering all the years the US hand-fed Saddam, it really is kind of embarrassing that he ended up on a Kurdish canned hunt compound.

Capturing the former despot in no way evened the 9-11 score -- conspiracy freaks have made more plausible links between the White House and those hateful attacks than Bush ever made between Hussein and the al Qaeda killers.

Does anyone actually believe that only a million or so dollars was seized along with Saddam? In all likelihood there's already several lawn and leaf sized diplomatic pouches labeled: Karl Rove -- White House-- Deliver Before November 2004.

Somewhere Osama bin Laden may already be sitting in a spider hole that's also labeled: Karl Rove -- White House-- Deliver Before November 2004.

A Saddam Hussein trial would establish an uncomfortable precedent for all of the uncharged prisoners the US is holding in Guantanamo. And how about all the Middle Easterners who've been rounded up in INS sweeps? Don't they deserve as fair a shake as that received by a known mass murderer?

The USA: We always get our dictator --sometimes from spider holes, sometimes from Supreme Court rulings.

We can breathe a sigh of relief now that the selection of our national CEO will no longer hinge on a game of hide and seek with a homeless ex-dictator. It will pivot on larger issues, like terrorist-baiting, gay-bashing (anything for the cause, eh, Karl?) and fear-mongering.

Look at the bright side -- if the war miraculously ends and all the soldiers come home, the court-appointed Bush administration's goal of full unemployment will be easily reached.

The troops best bring back plenty of Iraqi crude because when the "jobless recovery" combines with hand over fist deficit spending and unconscionable tax cuts for the wealthy, it will be tough to keep up with the demand for all the oil required to grease America's economic skids.

In retrospect, W's photo-op with a plastic turkey during his layover in Baghdad on Thanksgiving wasn't much of a surprise. Birds of a feather...


Considering the disproportionate amount of precious water that's diverted for the nutritionally inefficient crop of cattle, this mad cow outbreak puts the West's suspect agricultural priorities even further up the river.

This could be a good sign-- first the cows get mad -- then the people.

Historical Note: When first warned about the likelihood of a mad cow disease outbreak, W plunged his head into the exact same hill of sand Ronald Reagan used when he was first cautioned about AIDS.

Carnage Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has suggested that the US act quickly in the aftermath of the deadly Iranian earthquake and finish the job nature began by leveling any buildings left standing by the tumbler.

What do you bet W's investigation into Halliburton's gas price-gouging in Iraq will identify the failure to open the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve to oil drilling as the real culprit?

Of course the domestic media would break the real story of Saddam's capture if only it wouldn't distract us from the Code Orange Terror Warning, which was put in place to distract us from the truth about Saddam's canned capture in the first place.

Considering how screwing up New Year celebrations with color-coded alarmism has become an annual event perhaps Tom Rigid should become the permanent co-host of Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve!

The way the court-appointed Bush administration sees it, when it comes to the facts concerning the Iraqi Quagmire: Repression is the better part of valor.

updated: 17 years ago