Skip to main content _

Barry Crimmins

words to live near

instagram

CrimQuips

CrimQuips 2/6/03 Thursday, February 6, 2003

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

The Shuttle disaster: As ever, the first move was to blame the left wing.

This reminder: only authorized Bush Pioneers are permitted to handle shuttle debris.
Should any of W's large donors come upon any shuttle remnants -- particularly portions of the fuel tanks-- they are asked to do their patriotic duty and perform a taste test on the debris. Then they should take the remnants to their local GOP headquarters for analysis.



In his first public remarks concerning the shuttle disaster, did you catch Bush mangle the world "idealism?" He said "i dee AHH lizz mmm." But then it figures that he couldn't pronounce "idealism."

Bush may have an occasional "idea", as in: "I think I'll take the afternoon off and play video games"

But he has never run the risk of being caught in possession of an ideal.

If NASA is careless with the lives of seven astronauts who are very public figures and important public relations ambassadors, imagine how much less the military cares for or worries about the well-being of the common foot soldier. (common foot soldiers needn't imagine, they can just continue to know)

One-third of the space shuttle fleet has now BLOWN UP but America's still standing tall. If one more goes and it will be half the fleet in smithereens. I'm all for non-military space exploration. It makes large-scale work for people, it creates countless other benefits. But it is also clear that most of the exploration needn't be done in manned crafts. So astronauts actually are drag on the system and as such, get the short shrift.

Space adventurers would be safer backing Firestone tire-equipped Ford Pintos, into outer space than riding in the shuttle.

Only in this era of the court-appointed presidency would they tell us for a few days that the insulation that broke off and hit the wing when the doomed shuttle mission began was "foam"

Calling that rock-hard substance "foam" is akin to calling W an environmentalist.

*******

BACKSTAGE AT THE WHITE HOUSE

And now a short dramatization of a discussion between Karl Rove and George W. Bush last week:

Rove: Good news -- we got the late Senor Wences's son to play Iraqi #2 for our UN audio presentation next week.

W: S'ALLRIGHT!!

Rove: Unfortunately, we have some bad news on the shuttle. It lost several tiles on lift-off and will probably incinerate on reentry.

W: "In" what?

Rove: Burn up. Sheesh. The Columbia crew doesn't have a Florida voter's chance on election day of making it back alive in that vehicle. Anyway we could let them take a few laps while we try to find a way to rescue the seven astronauts.

W: Really? OK, can I play video games now?

Rove: Not yet. Now listen -- we could try to save them but the timing would be unfortunate. Let's face it, if it weren't for those whores in the corporate media, nobody'd believe that anyone supports our plans for Operation Octane. W:Shhh, that's the name they won't let me say.

Rove: Well here's a new one, it's called Plan Plummet. If we give the media saps a remake of Apollo 13 to cover, our bloodlust for Iraq would disappear from the headlines faster than the notes from one of Cheney's energy policy meetings. The last thing we need is a space drama monkey-wrenching Operatio... our plans to level Iraq. We don't want the world holding its breath over seven human lives right now -- someone is bound to start blabbering tripe about "if we care so much for seven lives in outer space, why are we showing such callous disregard for thousands of lives in Iraq?"

W: We don't have to answer because it's not patrottic ta question me..

Rove, No it's not. But even better is to head them off at the pass

W: Ya know how I like cowboy talk!

Rove: Well if we want to send Saddam to the last roundup, we best let the shuttle mimic your recent poll performances and that's where Plan Plummet comes in. It's simple, everyone acts as if there are no problems at all. We just keep playing wacky wake-up music for the shuttle crew until they come back on Saturday. If they make it- GREAT and nobody knows better. If they don't, we get to wrap ourselves in flags while you lead the nation in mourning. The whole thing will be over before Tenet retouches the last of the photos Powell will unveil at the UN on Wednesday. Hell, before we're done we'll turn attacking Iraq into a goddamned tribute to the Columbia crew.

W: Sounds like a plan. Where's ma joystick?

The End

*********

Discussing questions about finding a "smoking gun in Iraq" Retrosec of Defense Donald "Doomsday" Rumsfeld lashed out at the media as it kneeled in a semicircle around him, "You all . . . have been watching `L.A. Law' or something too much." It figures that Rumsfeld would use an anachronistic analogy to make his case.

We might have had doubts before Powell spoke at the UN but now that he has had his claims validated by a source as infallible as CIA chief George Tenet, it will be tough to refute his claims. After all, it was Tenet's organization that helped funnel the chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein in the first place. So he ought to know.

If the American people ever received half the doctoring that is done to photos and tapes by the CIA, our national healthcare crisis would be over.

Once the CIA realized that Saddam might use chemical and biological weapons for something other than the noble causes for which the Reagan administration provided them, Tenet had no choice but to take a stand.

The best part of Powell's speech was when he said, "and so exhibit A, hereafter known as the "Dog" met with exhibit B, hereafter referred to as the "Pony."

And then Colon Bowel continued,
"If you look just past the dog and pony through the smoke and into the mirrors you will see clear evidence of why we must not wait any longer to assault and massacre tens of thousands of peasants."

When you have to bring in the CIA director to enhance your credibility, particularly with the rest of the world, you have already lost.

The United States, for once, is full of mainstream experts opposed to a war before it even starts. But yesterday on all the news stations each analyst was foursquare behind the war before Powell opened his mouth. Afterwards they were all sure the remarks were magnificent and persuasive. Surely the rest of the Security Council would finally see the sense in the US position. Not one person mentioned the fact that outside of some polite lip service, nary a nation opposed to military assault prior to the speech, changed sides. But if you watched the cross-section of American TV I caught, you'd still be waiting for one "expert" to relay that crucial information.

Saddam has designs on the Middle East? Gasp! What do you think he'll try to take over first? The two-thirds of his own nation he does not control?

Liberal Media quote of the day: "He's an extraordinary man" -- NBC News Correspondent Andrea Mitchell speaking of Deputy Secretary of State and former Reagan and Bush death-squad facilitator, Richard Armitage.

Armitage really needs to cut back on the steroids. He rages enough without them.

For those of you who missed the State of the Union Address here it is in one sentence:I'll give you drugs and money if you'll just let me level Iraq.

Here's the Bush energy plan: give billions to the producers of ever-more gluttonous automobiles so that they can develop products that would force their entire industry to retool -- about forty years from now.

It'd have been more fun if Bush gave the auto makers several billion to develop those rocket packs we were promised years ago.

The Bush/Churchill comparisons are just a tad strained, don't you think? Churchill represented the British bulldog and Bush is the embodiment of American bullshit.
Faith based sex education works real well. Have faith and kids will learn about sex somewhere.

Operation Awe and Shock is more like Operation Jive and Shuck when you consider the amount of carnage that will result from the tons of bombs and hundreds of missiles destined to carpet Iraq. Yet the Bushists claim they are taking extraordinary measures to spare innocents.

Maybe they think "sparing" means causing instantaneous death rather than the slow, painful type.


Proving that late-stage alcoholics truly do become addlebrained,Christopher Hitchens has endorsed George Bush's bid for 2004 presidential re-appointment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please click to sign up for the e-mail version of :CrimQuips List.

© 2003 Barry Crimmins

*****