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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 10-4-2001 (Broderick Crawford edition) Thursday, October 4, 2001

Firearms sales are up 500% in New Hampshire since the Sept. 11 attacks so Osama bin Laden better think twice if he's planning on assaulting any covered bridges, hayrides or craft festivals.

That means every man, woman, child and cow in New Hampshire now owns an average of two guns.

The National Football League rescheduled the Super Bowl from Jan. 27 to Feb. 3 in New Orleans by switching its original date with the National Automobile Dealers Association. The NFL paid the group $7.5 million to cover the costs of moving its convention up a week and also had to agree to have the Superdome undercoated for an undisclosed price.

I keep hearing how topical humor is now inappropriate. Let me get this straight, the day after this calamity occurred Bush had half his cabinet out telling the knee-slapper about Air Force One being a primary target so he had to go to Omaha and now, three weeks later, I'm supposed to be worried about telling a few jokes?

Katherine Harris, yes that Katherine Harris, is considering running for a US House seat from Florida. If she runs she won't emphasize her efforts on the primary or general elections but instead simply focus on the recounts.

It's interesting that Mr. Law and Order, Rudy Giuliani, took several days to finally agree to simply follow the law and leave office when his term expires.

Acting Massachusetts Governor Jane "None too" Swift has demoted Logan Airport's safety director Joseph M. Lawless after his blatant incompetence caused a major breech of security and exposed how hopelessly unqualified beneficiaries of Republican Patronage can be.

For her transparent performance in demoting Lawless, Acting Governor Swift will not be winning any Oscars.

Court-appointed President Bush has asked Congress to authorize $60 billion to $75 billion to encourage consumer confidence. Much of this money will go directly to corporations. After receiving such corporate welfare, big business won't need consumers, confident or otherwise.

Remember the badge of the deceased Port Authority police officer that Bush brandished in his speech to Congress? It wasn't given to the court-appointed president by the officer's mother but instead relinquished to a Bush underling after some coercion of the grieving woman. Worse, this was not a new ploy. Bush's father used the exact same gimmick in 1988. According to Newsday columnist Jimmy Breslin President Bush the First flashed a badge of a slain cop at a new York rally and said Mike Dukakis wouldn't understand what something like this means. Now we all understand what this means: reports of cynicism's death are extremely premature.

The National Review Online's editor, Jonah Goldberg, fired columnist Ann Coulter after Coulter accused NRO of censorship when it refused to run a recent column. Goldberg claims otherwise, stating, "...Coulter wrote a long, rambling rant of a response to her critics that was barely coherent." This seems like odd grounds for termination since all of Coulter's columns are rambling, barely coherent rants. Although, to be fair, they do vary in length.

Strom Thurmond, the only member of the U.S. Senate older than baseball great Lou Gehrig would be had he not died SIXTY years ago, collapsed and had to be taken from the Senate floor on Tuesday. He returned to the Senate Wednesday after doctors determined that Thurmond's light- headedness had been caused by a Depends undergarment that had been put on the South Carolina Republican too tightly, cutting off the blood flow to his ass.

So we are reminded once again that anyone who doesn't believe Satan's word is good need look no further than Strom Thurmond.

Strom Thurmond is at Death's revolving door.

The US is increasing ties with the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan. Oh sure they have some problems with drug and gun running but where you see heroin dealers, the C.I.A. sees a glut in the market that can be pinned on the Taliban. Where you see zealots armed to the teeth who massacre innocents with coincidental indifference, the State Department sees an opportunity for profiteering for its leading subsidiary, Kissinger and Associates.

Remember, today's nebulous ally is tomorrow's despotic madman who will justify yet another obscene increase in military spending.

updated: 17 years ago