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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 9-21-2001 Friday, September 21, 2001

Big roundup of subversives in Vermont. The feds brought in the foliage for questioning when it failed to turn red, white and blue.

Why not go all the way and call it the Office of Fatherland Security?

The Office of Homeland Security? When do we bring in former members of the South African government to help get the program rolling?

The former South African secret police could give us a deal on a few warehouses full of blank dossiers they never got around to using.

The Office of Homeland Security really should open a branch in Sun City, Arizona.

Many American Indians are sorry their ancestors didn't think to have an Office of Homeland Security.

The super patriotic capitalists on Wall Street certainly let their money do the talking this week.

Bush said Americans should "prepare for casualties." For starters, our civil liberties.

It sure would bum out bin Laden if he knew every TV station in the U.S. has "9-11-01" inscribed across whatever it is broadcasting.

The Taliban seems like just the kind of group that will respond reasonably to an ultimatum. Why not just drop the pretense and declare war on them? That way we're spared another Bush speech when they fail to acquiesce.

One good thing about Bush's speech, it provided Congress with a hell of an aerobic workout. Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!

If the reports that bin Laden left Afghanistan five days ago are true, now that Bush has issued an ultimatum it's likely the Taliban will coax him to return just so they can not turn him over.

We now have more information on why Bush initially headed to Nebraska on September 11. It turns out it would have taken just too long to get to Montana.

Operation Infinite Violence.

"Moderates" in the Court-appointed Bush Administration think the U.S.A. should attack Afghanistan and Iraq in succession rather than simultaneously.

I guess this means we have to hope that calmer hotheads prevail.

So here's the airlines industry's plan: it wants several billion dollars in government money so it can turn over the expense and operation of maintaining security to the government, lay off tens of thousands of workers and raise ticket prices into the stratosphere. Talk about welfare scofflaws!

It's too bad that airline security analysts hadn't reminded us that knives are weapons and should not be permitted on planes. That way we wouldn't have to be facing strip searches when we have to go out for a loaf of bread.

Today's proposal: considering all the insurance, government and private money that is now available to the efforts at "Ground Zero" perhaps the work should now be taken out of the hands of volunteers and switched over to trained union labor, specifically brought in to the highly skilled work that needs to be done. God bless the heroic volunteers but the people performing the grisly task of sifting through the carnage should compensated.

updated: 17 years ago