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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 10-2-01 Tuesday, October 2, 2001

John Ashcroft is pushing Congress to pass the anti-terrorist bill now, while the country is wrapped so tightly in the flag that no blood can reach its national brain.

Kaiser Ashcroft said his pet bill would reap economic benefits as well, "Had the anti-terrorist legislation already been approved by Congress, there'd be no need for the Supreme Court to be in session again. Think of the money that would have saved!"

The U.S.A could curtail its dependence on foreign oil if only there were a way to harness the energy of flag-waving.

And Afghanistan wouldn't have anyone freeze to death this winter if they could centrally heat the country with the hot air that blows from the Taliban.

For protocol sticklers, here's the correct way to refer to New York's mayor: Rudolph Idi GiulianiDada -Supreme Mayor-for -Life.

Court-appointed President Bush approved covert aid to Taliban foes over the weekend, when he stated, "We hope the first coverts will reach them within the week."

Operation Enduring Freedom is what the Court-Appointed Bush Administration believes we'll all have to live through until the Office of Homeland Security becomes fully operational.

Ashcroft wants his own codenamed endeavor: Operation Enduring the Bill of Rights.

Rudy Giuliani's visited the United Nations Monday and bitterly denounced the organization for not naming him Secretary General for life.

White House Minister of Spin Ari Fleischer deemed it appropriate to pile on Bill Maher for comments he made suggesting that it doesn't take a lot of courage to for the U.S.A. to launch missile strikes from 2,000 miles. Fleischer joined thousands of other jingoists in denouncing Maher for the most lucid thing he has said in the past three years. The Spin-ster went on to urge all Americans to "watch what they say." The best response to Fleischer would be to tune in Maher and suffer through the inanity of professional wrestlers and advice columnists debating the issues of the day, while Maher chimes in about his favorite subject "Hey! I dig chicks." Then we should go out of our way to patronize PI's sponsors and let them know we are doing so because we like company's that believe in free speech.

New bumper sticker:

Laugh this off Ari, I Watch What Bill Maher Says!

Mullah Mohammed Omar, the Taliban's supreme leader, says he doesn't fear a U.S. attack, "Americans don't have the courage to come here,'' he said. Mullah Mohammed Omar might better start watching Politically Incorrect.

There are still faint hopes that there will be a secret meeting between the Taliban and elements of the U.S. intelligence community. So far all has that his been agreed upon is that if it happens it will be somewhere both groups feel comfortable, like the Ninth Century.

Giuliani is considering converting to Islam, not as a gesture of brotherhood but because of the Muslim calendar. "If we all thought it was 1380, I wouldn't have to leave office for another 621 years. That's a compromise I could live with," said the Supreme Mayor-for-Life.

updated: 17 years ago