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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 10-12-2001 Friday, October 12, 2001

Anthrax has been traced to the Florida headquarters of several supermarket tabloids, including the National Enquirer. You'd expect the plague from the National Enquirer but Anthrax comes as a real surprise.

Just to be safe no one should buy or read the Enquirer for the next hundred or so years.

The list of suspects in the tabloid anthrax scare includes: Osama bin Laden, Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell, Michael Jackson...

Somehow when Texas lost to Oklahoma in college football on Saturday you just knew Bush was going decide to start the bombing.

Rush Limbaugh is going deaf. Doctors said they would have caught it sooner had he ever listened to anyone but himself.

Perhaps Limbaugh's ears simply atrophied.

They're going to have to change that saying to : There are none so blind as those who will simply not hear.

If radio becomes too difficult for him, maybe Limbaugh can get a job at the Enquirer.

The US has been precision bombing Afghanistan for five days now. Precisely how many precision targets can there be in Afghanistan?

The US has said part of the reason for the bombing to help make it easier to get aid to the Afghan people. United Nations aid providers have said that the bombings are only making matters worse. Do you get the feeling that UN aid providers just signed themselves up as targets for some precision bombing?

How much do they have to bomb before they can properly feed people? What do they need do, flatten a large picnic area so that after the refugees eat they can play volleyball and shuffleboard and stuff?

Did you see Donald Trump at the Wednesday's Yankee-A's playoff game , dead center in the front row behind the plate? He never shut up, never watched a pitch. He was just using up the best seat in the house so he could be seen. I suppose we should be thankful he didn't show up wearing a firefighter's hat.

Trump was very considerate to his date, buying her a snow cone and cotton candy and allowing her to stay out the latest she ever had on a school night.

You really want to stimulate the economy, make the zillionaires who are now getting even bigger tax breaks tear the cobwebs off the vaults in which they hide all of their old money and tell them they have to use it to create jobs that pay workers living wages with good benefits. I guarantee you won't be able to get into a K-MART within just a few weeks.

The Bush Administration has gotten five US news networks to agree to edit any "inflammatory comments" from future tapes that feature oratory by Osama bin Laden, freeing up an awful lot of air time. To get even, the Al Queda Network (on basic cable in Cambridge, Madison and Berkeley) will remove any stupid comments W. makes in his public remarks.

Isn't it funny how all the travelers who are interviewed just a few feet away from automatic weapon-toting soldiers at airports are emphatically supportive of automatic weapon-toting soldiers at airports?

There's just something so winning about a soldier with an M-16.

The impossible has been done -- with soldiers guarding airports it means that they have actually cut the pay of the security staff.

updated: 17 years ago