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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 10-19-2001 Friday, October 19, 2001

How many million gallons of gas are wasted each day because of the wind resistance caused by all the flags festooning patriotic SUV's?

Bush is now claiming the USA must drill for oil in the Arctic Wildlife Preserve in Alaska to meet War on Terrorism energy needs. Many gallant caribou must die for our freedom to fly flags on SUV's

Of course if Florida got hit by a hurricane, Bush would tell us that it meant we had to drill for oil in the Arctic Wildlife Preserves.

Maybe the USA should start bombing SUV's.

It's funny how this crisis proves all the things the Court-appointed Bush Administration wanted anyway are now doubly necessary. A partial list of initiatives and eventualities W. already supported but now is claiming necessary for the war effort include: more oil drilling, complete disregard for the environment, more tax cuts for the super wealthy, more corporate welfare, unchecked profiteering by the pharmaceutical industry, expansion of an already bloated military budget and the suppression of that pesky Bill of Rights.

"More scrutiny on citizens, less scrutiny on corporate behemoths," is the Bush battle cry.

The Bush Administration is also discussing compromising the environment of upstate New York's Finger Lakes by drilling for natural gas in that beautiful region. In response to Bush, New Yorkers should quickly amend the name to the "Middle Finger Lakes."

With the anthrax panic in full bloom, that "send a dollar to the White House to help Afghan kids" idea now costs four dollars in security procedures for every buck it raises.

Millions of envelopes full of untraceable cash to a Republican White House? Now there's a great idea! How will they differentiate it from all their other envelopes full of untraceable cash that are already there? And who's in charge of counting it? Cheney?

ABC, CBS and NBC, two democratic senators, one pro-choice Republican governor and dozens of Planned Parenthood clinics have all been terrorized with real, or what appeared to be real, anthrax compounds. If bin Laden is behind this he could have saved a lot of time just sending a donation to Jerry Falwell.

I guess when it comes to enemies, bin Laden and Falwell know their fundamentals.

Today's selection from the Court-appointed Bush Administration's dictionary:

Humanitarian Aid

•- the dropping of food onto inaccessible mountain tops, unmarked minefields and directly onto starving people from 30,000 feet.

Do those meals come with a collateral beverage?

It's humanitarian aid because the US now drops food in bags, which can only kill a few people at a time when plummeting from 30,000 feet, rather than entire pallets, which the US had previously dropped on concentrated areas of people too weak to scramble out of the way.

The question is: were bombs dropped so that the way could be cleared to drop food or was food dropped so the way could be cleared to drop bombs?

The US accidentally bombed a Red Cross warehouse and a village this week. The good news is that a lot of the supplies in the warehouse will no longer be needed for a lot of people who used to live in that village.

Neither rain, nor snow , nor gloom of night will stop cowards from dropping anthrax into post boxes but you have to hope the Letter Carrier's Union will take a stand about what postal employees are forced to handle.

Israeli tanks and troops moved into biblical Bethlehem early Friday, seizing two hotels for command posts. This caused a windfall of bookings of displaced hotel guests for local Manger & Breakfasts.

Bush is considering declaring Canada a terrorist state now that it has authorized the production of generic version of the anthrax antidote Cipro, a move that will surely terrorize the obscene profits pharmaceutical giant Bayer stands to make as a result of the panic.

NASCAR has mandated neck restraints at all its races. Attendance should suffer greatly as most 'necks hate being restrained.

WARNING:The following statement has not been approved for dispersal by Office of Homeland Security Director Tom Rigid. READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL!

Old Glory isn't worth the cloth or paper or plastic it's printed upon if it doesn't stand first, last and always for human rights. It is not patriotic to wave a flag as a sign of blind obedience to the edicts of an un-elected leader who does nothing but spew comic book rhetoric about "ridding the world of evildoers," when he himself is owned and operated by evildoers. In fact, flag waving at such a time, in support of such a person, is treasonous to the principles of Tom Paine, America's first great patriot. If he were here he'd tell us to be loyal Americans by thinking for ourselves, questioning authority and considering the implications of our government's actions -- upon all the world's people. Until we do that we won't even be able to see the moral high ground from where we have allowed ourselves to be lead.

updated: 17 years ago