We've all seen Osama's latest video and even though it was in post-production long enough to make one of those talking dog movies, and even if bin Laden didn't say that stuff (and sorry conspiracy buffs, I think he did), he'd have probably happily taken the voice-over gig.

But I swear the guy who was playing Mullah #2 used to be a regular in Hercules movies.

Kids these days have it soft. When I was a boy it was no simple task to become a traitor; you had to sell state secrets to the Russians or use Jane Fonda's travel agent or something. Now all you have to do is disagree with John Ashcroft.

No one is sure what has happened to Osama bin Laden but this much is clear: there isn't a stalactite or stalagmite intact within 100 square miles of Tora Bora.

All the bombing has created a new Afghan tourist attraction: Pow's Caverns.

While accepting an award from our friends at People For The American Way, Neil Young endorsed the suspension of civil liberties by the court-appointed Bush Administration. Like the song says-- Keep on Lockin' Up the Free World!

We've seen John Ashcroft and the Damage Done and now our freedom's like a settin' sun.

So where do the Houston Astros play next year? Enron Memorial Field?

In case you were wondering why you are suddenly feeling so damned safe it's because there has been an unprecedented surge in gun sales since September 11.

It's reassuring to know that the same people who put those huge flags on their SUV's have brand new high powered rifles they bought on the same spending spree.

I am starting to miss the good old days when everyone just bought hula-hoops or "Where's the Beef?" tee shirts.

Before we get too carried away -- maybe we should allow military tribunals for O.J. Simpson but keep regular trials for everyone else.

In the first public use of torture in the War on Terrorism, Michael Bolton is covering Joni Mitchell and the song is being used in an emotionally manipulative ad meant to bring us all to a place called Circuit City.

And while we're at Circuit City we can be good Americans and help our country by following our court-appointed president's edict to help save the country by deficit spending on stuff we don't need.

"And throw in some speaker wire with that Michael Bolton CD so I can hang myself while I'm listening to it."

What part of Pennsylvania is Tom Rigid from? The Pennsylvania-Dutch- South African region?