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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 11/13/02 Wednesday, November 13, 2002

by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com



The Court-appointed President spent Veteran's Day doing all he could to make sure the holiday will remain necessary for generations to come.

To celebrate the breakthrough that will lead to the official creation of the Department of Homeland Security, Senators have made up "Police State" letter sweaters for themselves.

Considering how unions got shafted in the deal, it should be called

the Department of Scabland Security.


Apparently nothing threatens our national security more than an

organized workforce.


The civil service rules had to go if the Department of Homeland Security is going to expect the American people to abandon quaint concepts like due process.

Considering how much time the DHS will spend investigating union organizers and leaders, it would hardly be appropriate to have union members doing the snooping.

With all the money that will be wasted on this authoritarian make-work program, they may soon have to add a new branch: The Department of Homelessland Security.

Now that Iraq has said it's willing to jump through all the hoops the US has demanded it negotiate, we have reached a delicate stage in this affair. Iraqi compliance was something Bush never counted on and so now a larger fear looms-- what if the inspectors find nothing? How could W justify the recolonization of the world's second largest oil patch?

Then again... did you know: the term "Weapons of Mass Destruction" was rarely in use until we got a court-appointed president incapable of pronouncing the word "nuclear?" Once it had popularized WOMD, the White House decided to exploit the phrase and make its meaning broader and vaguer. Now if they catch Saddam with so much as a flyswatter, they'll have their chance to use weapons of all type of destruction on the Iraqi people and march in and regain control of

the oil reserves for Western interests.

Thirty Brazilians have been rounded up in Massachusetts (this really

happened) as part of the court-appointed Bush Administration's effort to surpass Central and South America's long-believed to be unbreakable record for total number of "disappeared" people.

It turns out the Brazilians had cast absentee ballots for President-elect Lula, making them a clear and present danger as far as W is concerned.

The roundup of the Brazilian nationals was unavoidable: this is no time to expose Americans to people who believe in democratically electing leaders who actually represent their constituents' best interests.

The Iraqi Parliament and the U.S. corporate media have been chosen as

finalists in the annual Lapdog of the Year Award. Tightly contested "heeling" and "rolling over" competitions promise to highlight the ceremony.

Tony Blair says even with increased reports of al Qaeda threats, Britain will not succumb to panic but that doesn't mean he won't keep trying to make it happen.

Now that it's come out that Al Gore had a campaign operative who was in the employ of Enron for $200,000 per year, perhaps Democrats will finally realize that any ammo stored in his glass house would do nothing but gather dust during the 2004 campaign.

Osama bin Laden is like Jimi Hendrix, nobody has seen the guy in ages

but his new recordings just keep coming out.

Osama's new tape should cause American's to reconsider how many more

times we need to listen to Bush's broken record about Saddam.


It turns out the bullet Ari Fleischer had earmarked for Saddam is now affiliated with Osama's new hit single.

Back with a bullet on Al Jazeera Rocks! it's Osama bin Laden's with "I rack up the body count but you roll into Baghdad"

Perhaps if Osama took up residence on an oil derrick he'd move back up on W's "to do" list.

We should remain in keeping with the corporate times and turn the SEC Chairmanship into a temp job.

I guess Harvey Pitt already did.

The Court-appointed Bush Administration would love nothing more than

to outsource positions on the new Public Company Accounting Oversight

Board.

Perhaps someone could telecommute from Grand Cayman Island to replace William Webster as head of the Public Company Accounting Oversight Board. I'm sure there are plenty of people down there with an intimate knowledge of just what the board should be investigating.

Bush wanted to call it the Overlooking Accounting Board.

A wish for our friends, the Republicans: May you die from your ignorance before it kills the rest of us.

© 2002 Barry Crimmins

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updated: 17 years ago