Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 11/28/02 Thursday, November 28, 2002

Happy Thanksgiving!

Commentary by Barry Crimmins


[Key: CABA = Court-Appointed Bush Administration CAP =Court-Appointed President]

Court-appointed President George W. Bush has named war criminal emeritus Henry Kissinger to head the "independent" commission to investigate the 9/11/01 attacks. Since neither Pol Pot nor Agosto Pinochet were available, Kissinger was the obvious choice.

Apparently the Independent commission just joined the Republican Party.

The Kissinger appointment is horrible news for the entire world -- except for lefty political satirists, for whom it is an early Christmas present.

In his first public statements following 9/11, Kissinger, ever the bastion of impartiality, stated that the terrorist assaults were in no way the result of a failure of US intelligence. If during the inquiry he changes his mind and admits he was wrong it will be the first time.

What is Kissinger going to do? Assign style points for carnage? "Vell, I vood haff decapitated a few more people but zat izz yust a madder ov perzonal preverence. On balance, vor a virst evfort, zay did some nize vork. "

Next Bush plans to appoint Rush Limbaugh to run a listening post to monitor the voice of reason. Who better to investigate and bring light to the 9/11 massacres than a man who once tried to keep the carpet bombing of entire nation secret?

For Kissinger, always available for a price, this endeavor could be a Last Whoreah.

And so now our nation turns its lonely eyes to Henry Kissinger, an inveterate disinformation specialist and pathological liar of international proportions, to head the investigation into horrific human rights offenses. Why not just take the direct route and get a flashing neon sign for the White House that says STENCH?

Let the chips fall where you say they may, eh, W.?

Famine vs. pestilence -- the primary. Today Ariel Sharon is expected to defeat Benjamin Netanyahu in the Likud Party nomination for Israeli Prime Minister.

The latest firing of whistleblowers at the Los Alamos National laboratory is proof that the CABA has constructed a large pound where watchdogs will be brought to be euthanized .

With his plan to allow managers of 192 million acres of public lands in 155 national forests and 20 grasslands in 44 states "more discretion" to approve logging and commercial activities in the dwindling American wilderness, CAP Bush has accelerated a massive clear-cutting of sane measures like environmental impact statements.

Unabated, the Bush environmental policies will lead to future Thanksgivings when Americans will sing,"Over the cesspool and through the stumps, to grandmothers house we go!"

If the Iraqis keep cooperating and nothing gets discovered, which United Nations arms inspector do you suppose will get to play the part of Archduke Ferdinand?

One thing we should learn from in the over-the-counter vs. prescription hay fever medication battle between Big Pharma and insurance Goliaths, is that nobody in Congress is allergic to money. In a gesture of traditional American Thanksgiving benevolence, the CABA has okayed construction of a geothermal power plant in the Modoc National Forest, a remote volcanic field near the California/Oregon border that local tribes consider sacred. After signing off on this betrayal of indigenous people the Court-appointed Great White Father planned to savor his holiday feast with a forked tongue.

What US citizens have to be most thankful for on this holiday are Canadians with the temerity to properly label morons as such and South Americans, who continue to democratically select progressive leaders -- the latest in Ecuador where Lucio Gutiérrez has just been elected president.

Gutiérrez promises "war to the death" on corruption, an alternative to the dollar, which became the official currency in 2000, and new approaches to foreign debt that will not cause further hardships for the poor. No doubt the CABA is staying up nights figuring how to depose someone with such a dangerous agenda.

You just know Bush is itching to spread some Florida-style democracy to Venezuela, Brazil, Ecuador and beyond.  

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2002 Barry Crimmins

updated: 17 years ago