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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 11/9/02 Saturday, November 9, 2002

by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

Now that the election is over, Americans can get back to concentrating on the truly important issues like celebrity trials, celebrity romances and celebrity homes.

Would someone please explain to the Democratic leadership that having the will to engage the enemy is an essential element in putting forth a united front?

By the time we find a silver lining in this electoral debacle, the Court-appointed Bush Administration will have sold the mineral rights to a private concern.

America -- home of smart bombs and dumb people.

W's "Leave No Child Behind" education bill has a provision forcing public schools to provide military recruiters with contact information for all students. So "Leave No Child Behind" apparently refers to troop transports.

Regarding Iraq, Bush's "Leave No Child Behind" policy refers to witnesses.

Soon American families will be happy to engage in long discussions with telemarketers about switching long-distance service just because it will tie up the phone at the hour the military recruiters generally call.

Maybe it would have been a different election had the D's replaced South Dakota's Tim Johnson with George McGovern. Now there's someone who'd have been capable of making sure at least one senator from the upper midwest would carry on Paul Wellstone's legacy.

Dick Gephardt is stepping down as minority leader so he can devote all of his time to not becoming president.

Gephardt is from the Show Me State. In 2004 Democratic presidential primary voters will show him the door.

I suppose Gephardt will run on the "I wanted to attack Iraq more than Bush" platform.

At least the election provided closure for Walter Mondale. Now he has lost in all 50 states.

A lot of people say the Dems didn't have a message this fall but they did and here it is: We support the same things as the Republicans, it just takes us longer. We are bought by the same concerns as Republicans, just for less money. We are as silent about issues that matter to working families as Republicans, it's just that our silence represents betrayal of our purported core values whereas Republicans are merely remaining consistent.

What could be more costly than the price Democrats have paid for getting in bed with corporate interests?

Next time a Dem feels an urge to take a check from some slimy corporate entity, he or she should at least offer the party's rank and file the chance to match the offer.

Although the corporate media's stench is all over this election, we should remember that without Democratic complicity the concentration of corporate media power wouldn't have been legal nor possible.

In America it's not hard to get wealthy by selling other people short.



An anticholesterol drug has been found to help paralytic mice, bringing new hope to the Democratic National Committee.

With the political resurgence of Benjamin Netanyahu, Ariel Sharon officially becomes the most moderate politician with a chance to lead Israel.

Considering how emboldened W must have been by the midterm elections, don't be surprised if he names Kenny Boy Lay to replace Harvey Pitt at the SEC.

Prime Minister Tony Blair of Vichy England sure can give a speech, can't he?

Look at the bright side -- within forty or fifty years the last of Bush's judicial appointments will have retired.

The Supreme Court has stayed the execution of a mentally ill Texan thereby setting a precedent that may well benefit the court-appointed president should he ever be held accountable for any of the myriad of sinister deeds he has committed.

Now that the UN has been cowed into submission, it's just a matter of lining up the talent for the USO Christmas tour of occupied Iraq.

"I believe that the Catholic Church has suffered because of the actions of a few," said Kathleen L. McChesney, the top-ranking woman at the FBI, at the press conference announcing that she's been hired away by the Catholic Church to run its new Office for Child and Youth Protection. Funny, her first statement makes its sound as if she is more interested in protecting adult priests than children.

We'll all rest better knowing we can rely on an open and trusted FBI official to lift away the veil of secrecy about the bizarre sexual behavior of closeted patriarchs. J. Edgar himself couldn't be happier with the Catholic choice.

The Catholic Church has renewed its practice of trying pedophile priests' victims,George W. Bush has gained full control of all three branches of the US government and a New Mexico man has been stricken with the PLAGUE. I smell a biblical sequel: Book of Job 2002 -- Smote 'em if you got 'em!

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Special Section: A Salute to White Trash -- America's Swing Vote!

The most influential voting bloc in the election was White Trash. Had poor white folks not been finagled into voting for people guaranteed to make their lives even worse, the electoral balance would have shifted to the Democrats. The gun-toting, racial epithet-spewing, bible-thumping ignoramus vote must have knocked more than a few trailers off of cinder blocks last Tuesday night as it jumped for joy.

And so White Trash carried the day and will reap benefits which include:

•A Wal-Mart world with starvation wages for those lucky enough to even find work


•Horrible schools, worsened by federally-mandated diversion of education funds to religious- indoctrination/child-abuse drop-in centers

•A food supply poisoned and mutated by Big Agro, right there on the very land the rural poor used to own!

•Ubiquitous prefab patriotism available in every imaginable cheapo form (plastic flags etc) courtesy of Third World sweatshop labor.

•The end of intrusions from pantywaist environmentalists with their unAmerican rules for things like sewage treatment

•Fewer visits from social workers asking embarrassing questions concerning the provenance of welts on children

•Peace of mind concerning gun ownership rights (which were, of course, never threatened unless one felt a compelling urge to hunt rabbits with an urban assault rifle)

•Reenforcement of the"deeply religious" belief that their horrible lives are just what they deserve because they "got learned in Sunday school what natural scum they is."

•And most of all:a shiny new war for poor dumb kids to go to so they can come home good and freaked out and perhaps become a legend in the local militia "just like that McVeigh boy done."

Congratulations U.S. of A! Very few countries have their futures defined by the desires of self-loathing illiterates.

And to think a lot of us softies didn't believe the poor ever got heard in this country!

© 2002 Barry Crimmins

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updated: 17 years ago