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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 10/31/02 Thursday, October 31, 2002

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

A new psychological affliction has been discovered: AlGoreaphobia -- the fear of election stories emanating from Florida.

Unlike many other psychological afflictions, AlGoreaphobia stems from a demonstrably rational fear.

That which does not kill us was probably not organized by Vladimir Putin.

VLAD'S FOLLY --Russia's sleeper hit of the year!!

In Putin's defense it must be remembered that lethal gas has never beentraced to the detonation of even one bomb.

Putin says he will now employ Bush's doctrine of the preemptive strike. Since it was so successful on hostages, he feels it could well be effective in other applications.

Apparently gassing your own people is OK with Bush, provided those people are hostages..

The rescue of the Russian hostages will seem deft and humane when contrasted with the rescue Bush has planned for the Iraqi people.

This week's non-surprise: The Beltway killers used a Bushmaster XM-15 Rifle, manufactured by a Maine company run by major Bush-funder Richard Dyke.

Gee, imagine the capital area getting pinned down by one Bushmaster.

Well actually, a second-generation Bushmaster.

Someone should tell feuding prosecutors in Maryland and Virginia that the capital area has had enough sniping for a long time.

Did you know? The same people who calculate royalties for record companies work weekends estimating the size of crowds at peace rallies.

Did you see Bush and the other heads of state wearing white smocks at their gathering in Mexico the other day? It looked like they should have been standing in front of a barber pole and a sign that said: 12 Chairs -- No Waiting.

Of course Bush would prefer 12 Electric Chairs, No Waiting.

Bush always tells audiences that he married "above" himself, which means that Laura is a homo sapien.

It's telling that Bush matter-of-factly bandies about the superstition that people are naturally "above" or "below" one another as a coincidence of birth.

Bush starts most speeches by telling the crowd they "drew the short straw" by getting him -- as if any American voter needs to be reminded!

This week's Instant Karma Award goes out to the National Federation of Independent Businesses for having an anti-Paul Wellstone direct-mail piece, featuring the Senator's name on a tombstone, in the mail on the very day of his tragic death. Very generous of that Republican front organization to invest so much money in driving thousands of people to vote Democratic.

For the first time since 1991, serious and violent crime in the United States increased last year -- but imagine how much worse it would be if the Justice Department took corporate crime seriously.

Actually the crime wave began in late 2000 when an entire election was stolen.

A U.S. appeals court ruled that the government can't revoke doctors' prescription licenses for recommending marijuana to sick patients. Kaiser Ashcroft says that he is not all disturbed by the decision because his Justice Department prefers to prosecute the terminally ill rather than moneyed and connected doctors.

It makes sense. Ashcroft only has a finite period of time to bring fatally ill people to justice.

After taking the deadbeat terminally-ill marijuana users off the streets, Ashcroft will move to recriminalize the so-called "painkillers" this subculture of drug abusers craves around the clock.

The court-appointed Bush Administration is now furiously trying to find a way to plant a weapon of mass destruction on President-elect Lula da Silva of Brazil.

If Brazilian President-elect Lula is ever taken hostage, W. is sure to call on Putin to organize rescue efforts.

Then again, if Lula is taken hostage, Bush may not want to send in Putin because that would put valuable CIA operatives at risk.

After winning the election, Lula said, "If at the end of my term each Brazilian is able to feed himself three times a day. I will have accomplished the mission of my life," If Lula realizes this goal it will surely mean a reduction in the quality of caviar served at the IMF luncheon trough -- so don't expect the Court-appointed Bush Administration to take it lying down.

According to an International Monetary Fund study: if peasants are fed anything more than two very meager meals per day they become much more difficult to enslave.

The IMF understands that: Good Nutrition = Bad Bottom Line.

W said, "You've got to go to the polls and do your job as an American." Right -- and then he'll do his job and subvert the results that displease him.

In fairness, the Minnesota Republican Party should be allowed to

withdraw Norm Coleman and put Ronald Reagan on the ballot.

Are you shuddering with rage because Democrats had the nerve to mention politics at the Wellstone Memorial Service? POLITICS! -- at a commemoration of a political figure. The nerve of some people!

It's humorous listening to outrage over the Wellstone Memorial emanate from a political party headed by a court-appointed administration that's distilled the 9/11 tragedy into an excuse to advance every venal political whim it has ever had.

It's even funnier to listen to members of a party that reveres StromThurmond suddenly get concerned about the Democrats running a few seventy-something candidates.

Walter Mondale could be elected to a six-year term to the Senate and then get re-elected three times, serve out the entire four terms and still retire at an earlier age than did Thurmond.

© 2002 Barry Crimmins

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updated: 17 years ago