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Barry Crimmins

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CrimQuips 11/6/02 Wednesday, November 6, 2002

Commentary by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

Up until last night, the American people couldn't be blamed..... Up until last night.

Sometimes you just have to tip your hat to the other side and say, "When it comes to pandering to fear and stupidity, we don't belong on the same field as you. So congratulations, Republicans!"

How embarrassing it is to be an American. Just when you feel we have reached a new low, someone turns on the jukebox and we limbo beneath it.

Speaking of reaching new lows, you don't suppose Harvey Pitt's election-night resignation as SEC chairman is an indication that the Republicans feel they dodged a hail of electoral bullets when the Democrats chose to leave that slimebag out of electoral discourse, do you?

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The next few days are going to be very tough for Democrats. Here is some advice for short-term survival:

•Avoid ledges, sharp objects and thoughts of ironing your clothes in the bathtub.

•Try drinking. Despite adverse publicity, blackouts sometimes serve a very useful purpose.

•Don't even think about so much as flipping past FOX-NEWS. Not even drinking will help if you go anywhere near that station.

•Get your passport in order. It is better to flee voluntarily than give them the pleasure of exiling you.

•Try soothing yourself by conjuring up pleasant images. For instance, imagine smarmy Tucker Carlson being strangled with his preppy bowtie.

•Find someone fluent in Portuguese and have them read Brazilian election returns to you.

•Take up a new hobby, like hibernation.

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About 10:30, my dog Lloyd went out and demonstrated his solidarity for Democrats by getting skunked.

Thanks to Lloyd, I had the perfect olfactory sensation to augment what I was watching and hearing on the networks.

Didn't NC Senator-elect Liddy Dole's mortician do a great job on her makeup for her victory speech?

If Canadian real estate agents have any brains, they're busy raising the prices on all their listings in preparation for a surge of calls from south of the border Wednesday morning.

Looks like the strategy of total acquiescence to Bush on Iraq, thereby not making an issue of that madness or the assault on civil liberties that's indigenous to the terrorist panic it panders to, was nearly as stupid as the DLC putting the party in bed with the very corporate slime it should be running against.

So much for the genius of the Democratic Leadership Committee. It has lead the party and nation to the catastrophe we now face. Democrats must stop sucking up to CEO's and start revitalizing the party's base: working people, families, minorities, women and environmentalists.

It's time that Democrats got out of bed with corporate polluters and remembered: It's the ecology, Stupid!

The policy of impugning the patriotism of Senators who left three limbs behind in Vietnam resonated with the voters in Georgia -- but that was probably because Max Cleland fought for the Union army.

Deepest sympathy goes to the folks in Louisiana who now face a month of increased politicking in the US Senate runoff.

As if the Mississippi weren't polluted enough, it now must withstand what's sure to be a toxic runoff.

George W. Bush called Katherine Harris and informed her that she had won her Florida US House of Representatives bid. As you may recall, it was Harris whom Bush called election night 2000 to tell her he had won the presidency.

Considering how much cover he has provided the relentlessly corrupt court-appointed Bush Administration -- and the resulting benefits it has reaped in this election -- W. really should consider dumping Cheney and naming Osama as his 2004 running mate.

The next major task for Democrats will be to find a way to somehow blame Ralph Nader for November 5.

A Republican dirty trick surfaced in Maryland this week. The Gluttonous Old Pigs put up posters in the inner city telling people they had to make sure they had all outstanding parking and traffic tickets paid before they could be permitted to vote. Hey W, read our lips: NO NEW POLL TAXES!

Want to make money? Start manufacturing executioner hoods for all the new judges Bush will be cramming into the federal judiciary.

OK, rake yourself into a pile, take a deep breath and get ready to fight for our very lives for the next two years. This couldn't be much worse.

© 2002 Barry Crimmins

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updated: 17 years ago