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Barry Crimmins

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political satirist Barry Crimmins

MITTWIT Tuesday, January 15, 2008

MITTWIT

The 2008 Mittwit (above)
has everything (below)
and the gals love him! (further below)



All voters in today's Michigan Primary must either show 'proper' photo identification or swear out an affidavit stating they do not have such identification on their person. For the fall election, voters will have to wear armbands with the word "voter" sewn on them.

Only ambulatory shut-ins (excited by a trip anywhere) and the mentally ill are expected at the polls. This bodes well for Michigan native son Mitt Romney. Considering what he's been promising on the stump, Romney must figure that Michiganders are so economically deprived that they can afford neither computers nor internet access and therefore are incapable of reading the Boston Globe. Today the Globe ran a piece contrasting Romney's actions as governor with his promises as a candidate.

I'll not join the Globe in cheap-shotting Romney with his record. I prefer to stay positive and look at what Romney's promising. For instance, he's running in Michigan as an "experienced CEO" because voters in the state with the nation's highest unemployment rate so love people who get Humvee-sized bonuses for laying off workers. If a CEO runs the country, they must assume, Michigan will soon look like a normal economic calamity rather than an extraordinary economic calamity. Vote Romney and blend in!

Of course Romney hopes Michiganders can read this from the Washington Post: "Look at Washington. What have they done to help the domestic auto industry?" Romney said on CNN on Sunday, citing congressional pressure to improve gas mileage and reduce emissions. "Look, you can't keep on throwing anvils at Michigan and the auto industry and then say, how come they are not swimming well?"
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With his plan to offer Motown "incentives" to improve its products, Romney is not running for president so much as promising to become a federal On-Star operator. "You're out of gas, Mr. Auto Exec? Well stay right there with your vehicles and wait for our troops to return home with the tankers."

The former Massachusetts governor thinks Washington is ruining the Big Two and the Other One Automakers (Chrysler is no longer in the top three) with mandates for more fuel efficient and environmentally-friendly cars. To understand Romney's insight, we need only look at irresponsible Japanese auto giants Toyota and Honda to see how consumers can be dangerously stampeded into lusting for less thirsty, more reliable transportation.

Mitt Romney doesn't fall for easy solutions such as making products people want to buy. And with his business background he understands Detroit has enough problems without the sudden encumbrance of swarms of new customers. Romney feels Washington should reward an industry that has fought evil federal mandates at every turn. It was the auto industry that  courageously resisted regulations that saddled drivers with the likes of seat-belts, safety glass and headlights. Funds that could have been used for essential advertising were again and again diverted to engineering. Had evil government impositions not handicapped Detroit, perhaps our highways would still be congested with Edsels, Pintos and Ramblers. Alas!

After announcing his stubborn support for reduced regulation on American auto manufacturers, Romney received the enthusiastic endorsement from the ATTA --  American Tow Truck Association.

People in Michigan who bought into his unswerving pandering and voted for Romney today should have a new designation sewn on their armbands come November: Mittiots!
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updated: 15 years ago