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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 5-22-02 Wednesday, May 22, 2002

by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

It's apparent that the country would be considerably more secure if Condaleezza Rice was as concerned with living up to her title as National Security Adviser as she is with being the namesake of the Citgo tanker she christened.

Of course if the tanker leaks, Bush will fire Rice immediately.

In response to criticism that he should have made sure that the president was immediately shown the now legendary FBI memorandum, Kaiser Ashcroft defended himself by saying "I sent it to President Heston as soon as it crossed my desk."

Court-appointed President Bush is visiting Berlin although considering his style of governing you have to figure he'd prefer to give an "Ich bin ein Nuremburger" speech.

Before he can issue any more terrorist alerts, Fatherland Security Director Tom Rigid will have to have government scientists develop some new colors for his warning codes.

In the week since we have learned Bush knew ANYTHING we have been told that terrorists: plan to attack our water supplies; blow up the Statue of Liberty; will definitely commence suicide bombings at any moment; and have and will use nukes. The lesson the White House wants us to learn from this? It's very, very dangerous to hold the Court-appointed Bush Administration accountable for anything. And if you believe the sudden revelations that the Statue of Liberty and Brooklyn Bridge are terrorist targets are not meant to deflect criticism of W, I can get you a price on the bridge. Terrorists may be great with bombs but nobody can handle flare-guns like the Court-appointed Bush Administration.

If Cardinal Bernard Law isn't phoning in some of these distracting threats himself, he at least must be assisting Enron in their dissemination.

Too bad the Court-appointed Bush Administration isn't as certain of the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden as it is of the likelihood of terrorist attacks.

If there is as much terrorist activity in the USA as the Bushies now claim, perhaps we should start checking American caves for Osama.

Bush was standing with Purported War on Terror ally Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad of Malaysia on Tuesday as he delivered broadsides at Cuba about political prisoners, elections and free speech. Malaysia routinely imprisons and tortures dissidents, has nothing resembling free elections and anyone who speaks freely pays a very hefty price. When it comes to hiding in broad daylight, Mahathir Mohamad is a pro.

And if George W. Bush truly gave a damn about any of the values he was baiting Castro about, he'd have never been standing anywhere with the Malaysian prime minister, day or night.

Of course with Mahathir Mohamad standing there, Bush's disdain for democracy did seem less pronounced.

Next Bush will go to Hershey, Pennsylvania to give a speech about the dangers of diabetes. On his Europeon trip W will visit his fellow corporate goosestepper, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. One can only begin to estimate what moral gauntlets Bush will hurl while standing the presence of that crackpot.

Remember the good old days when Italian governments didn't last as long as a summer job?

Isn't it about time to for them to dust off a lamppost for Berlusconi?

Silvio Berlusconi makes Rupert Murdoch look like I. F. Stone.

Several male Enron employees have dropped their pants for Playgirl magazine. Of course Enron stockholders no longer own pants. If Tom Ridge really cared about homeland security, the first thing he'd do would be to bind and gag George W. Bush.

While he's in Germany, let's hope W will get a chance to slip out to a beer hall, enjoy a few "pretzels" and find a karaoke machine so he can perform a live version of the Horst Vessel March.

While in Germany Bush will tour several historic sites from WWII that had he been old enough, he'd have avoided visiting in the Forties. Everyone is speculating as to how many innocent American lives could have been saved had Bush even an iota of competence. We also need to consider how many innocent Afghans perished because of a chain of events that could have been nipped in the bud had we a full-time president busy with the work of the people rather than the laggard corporate marionette currently sitting in the stolen office.

It's a sad state of affairs when you consider that had George W Bush put in half the effort he expects out of welfare mothers, there's a good chance 9-11 would have come and gone without incident.

While Dick Cheney was CEO at Haliburton the company reported $100 million in disputed construction costs as profit in an attempt to revive its plummeting stock price. The accounting firm for this maneuvering was (you guessed it!) Arthur Andersen. So perhaps suggestions that Enron corrupted Cheney are unfair. It could well be that Cheney corrupted Enron.

The highlight of Bush's trip will be the signing of the nuclear arms agreement with Russia's Vladimir Putin that doesn't go into effect for ten years-- which is exactly when it expires. That's right, that's the highlight.

So at a time when Bush is selling us on the idea that Middle Eastern terrorists are operating with caprice within the United States, he heads to Germany to saber rattle in the general direction of the Middle East. If you were a trying to decide whether or not to be suicide bomber, how do you suppose the president of the United States running around Germany trying start (OK, escalate) a war with Iraq would influence you?

Bush's Euro war-stump is nearly as stupid as the proclamation denouncing all things Palestinian that's making its way through both houses of Congress. If anything assures there will suicide bombers in the USA, it's amplification of blind support for an Israeli regime that is already the recipient of billions from this country. Without a blank check from Congress, the Sharon regime would have a lot fewer bootheels with which to stomp Palestinians. If anyone is actually serious about sourcing and precluding terrorism, we have to face what is making people this desperate. You do not have to endorse their methods (and I most assuredly do not) to fathom the frustration and despair that leads to such madness. If we want to be safe then we must begin doing whatever it takes to understand that until everyone is safe, no one is safe. And then we must act, without hypocrisy, as peacemakers.

2002 Barry Crimmins

updated: 17 years ago