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Barry Crimmins

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Quips & Comments 1-23-02 Wednesday, January 23, 2002

by Barry Crimmins

The next target in the War on Terrorism should be Camp X-Ray at theUS Naval Station in Guantanamo, Cuba where uncharged, unidentifiedprisoners are being held in inhumane conditions.

How can a country that won't hold to the principles of the GenevaConventions make any legitimate claim to leadership in the fightagainst terrorism? The same way George W. Bush can act as if he has alegitimate claim to the White House. That's how.

When held up to light, Camp X-Ray shows the USA's moral backbone tobe shattered in several places.

Let's hope they don't open Camp MRI. Nobody could handle that kind of detail.

Considering the brutally Draconian conditions in US prisons, thedetainees at Guantanamo Bay should count themselves lucky to be 90miles from the United States.

K-Mart is headed down the Martha Stewart garbage chute.

Stewart is playing a large role in the attempt to save the discountretailer. At her suggestion K-Mart will now run Indigo Light Specials.

Now that K-Mart has applied for bankruptcy protection shoppers areswarming the retailer lest they miss their final opportunity topurchase Stewart's line of color-coordinated garden tools. Face thefacts, it could be long time before you can find another mauve rake.

In case filing for bankruptcy doesn't save the retailer, MarthaStewart is designing a special towel for K-Mart to throw in.

Thoughts of Wal-mart having one less competitor make you root forK-Mart as if it were a gallant little mom and pop store.

Enron has continued to shred its files at a rate rivaling the speedat which its stock has free-fallen. The corporation had no choice.Had those documents remained intact they could have fallen intoArthur Andersen's hands.

Showing its continued commitment to alternative energy, theCourt-appointed Bush Administration is funding research into thedevelopment of a solar-powered shredder.

The Bushies hope to have a prototype of the solar shredder ready bythe time the Haliburton's Company's impending demise forces it todestroy the paper trail that runs from its headquarters in Dallas towherever Dick Cheney is hiding lately.

There aren't many things more comical than Contra-enabling JohnNegroponte leading the US United Nations delegation in its quest toraise international ire against terrorism.

Negroponte would have a lot more support from Central America in hisUN anti-terrorist campaign but unfortunately all of the moststeadfast Central American opponents to terrorism were killed byUS-backed death squads during the Reagan-Bush era.

Now that Rush Limbaugh has had his hearing partially restored he sayshe's enjoying sounds he once would have taken for granted. Rush waxedlyrically about his appreciation for his restored sense. "Theanguished shrieks of bilked Enron investors and employees, thelilting smarminess of an Ari Fleischer lie, the tortured screams of aPalistinean family as its home is being leveled, the gentle rustlingof cash as it is looted from the Pentagon by corrupt contractors, theexcited roar of the sheeted mass as the cross is set ablaze, thewhistling of bombs as they descend upon innocent civilians, the humof chainsaws clear-cutting a rainforest.... ahhhh, they all soundsweeter and more precious when you have been deaf for several months.I shall not overlook these joys in the future."

Now that Limbaugh can hear again maybe doctors can begin restoringhis ability to feel

Limbaugh only had hearing restored in one ear so he'll still have adeaf ear to turn towards reason.

2002 Barry Crimmins

updated: 17 years ago