CrimQuips
CrimQuips 10/2/02 Wednesday, October 2, 2002
Commentary by Barry Crimmins
http://www.barrycrimmins.com
I owe an apology to the court-appointed president. I have unfairly and inaccurately compared him to Adolf Hitler. In truth, W is much more similar to Benito Mussolini.
Cheney? Well that's another story.
But W is much more like the #2 man in the original Axis of Evil. For example: Mussolini made the trains run on-time, Bush makes the planes run on-time.
The trick to Bush's airport punctuality? Make travelers leave for the terminal six hours earlier than they did in the past so that they can get through fatherland security checkpoints in time to depart on schedule.
Mussolini was Il Duce. Bush is Il Dupe.
W. does resume his Hitler role whenever he meets with Italian President Silvio Burlosconi, if only because as the current fascist leader of Italy, Burlosconi has a legitimate claim to Il Duce's legacy. And of course when it comes to assembling a memorably fascist staff, W also compares favorably to Hitler. But mostly, he's a Mussolini clone.
And I wouldn't put it past W. to decide Ethiopia is a terrorist hotbed that needs attacking.
As with Mussolini, when Jr. is run from office it will be very difficult to find anyone who admits having ever supported the guy (sort of like on election day). He'll just become a national embarrassment that is never mentioned in polite company.
Just as a precaution W is going to have all the lampposts removed from the streets of Washington.
Robert Torricelli, upon leaving the New Jersey U.S. Senate race said, "I will not be responsible for the loss of the Democratic majority in the United States Senate." You really have to give him credit for consistency. Right up until the bitter end he refused to admit guilt for anything.
Robert Torricelli-- the Anti-Jeffords.
Rats generally just abandon doomed vessels but Torricelli was thorough, he took the time to sink his party and nation before scurrying for shore.
It's too bad Senator Torricelli had to stand in the giant electoral pit he dug for the Democrats before realizing that his shameless reelection bid could become the key to full Republican control of all three branches of government.
The only thing a New Jersey Democrat would need to beat a reactionary peabrain like republican candidate Douglas Forrester, would be his or her name on the ballot. But thanks to Torrecelli's shameless refusal to face reality in a timely fashion, that essential weapon may be unavailable to the Dems.
Anyone who believes that Torricelli's departure was because he always thinks first of the good of his party needs to consider what he was thinking of when he chose to stand for reelection in the first place.
Forrester's campaign rhetoric has been so toxic that win lose or draw his campaign headquarters will be declared a Superfund site.
It's too bad Torricelli didn't just pass away. Then the Missouri precedent could have kicked in and New Jersey voters could have demonstrated that they preferred a dead man to Douglas Forrester.
It's a pitiful day when we must pine over the departure of the likes of Robert Torricelli but compared to that Forrester creep, he was Eugene Debs.
Prediction: within ten weeks we'll see stock brokers going to work wearing miners' helmets.
The Turkish police said they had made an arrest of men in possession of "35 pounds of uranium". On Monday they said the material weighed only 5 ounces and was not radioactive. Apparently the mistake was made when the Turks used the same device the media uses to calibrate George W. Bush's stature, to measure what was a small and inconsequential amount of impotence.
Even while Washington protesters raised their voices against globalization, it continued unabated last week. Starbucks has begun opening stores in Mexico City saying it wanted to "introduce gourmet coffee" to the region. Somehow I think there are more than a few people in the area who will find something oddly familiar about coffee beans.
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Like on a shrub, on a steep mountaintop, inhabited by lethal snakes?
For harvesting those beans, under those conditions, the bean pickers make a weekly wage that they can now exchange for one gourmet cup of coffee from Starbucks.
If coffee bean pickers want a refill, they will have to work overtime. Wait, that's no good, they already work overtime.
It is amazing how Starbucks can add value to something like the lowly coffee bean. The workers who slave to pick it by the ton are lucky if they make a subsistence level wage for their back-breaking toil but after Starbucks roasts the beans they become more precious than the life of any coffee plantation worker.
If you thought Mexico City used to be congested, wait until Starbucks starts shoehorning stores into every barrio.
In a blow to golf club manufacturers, travel agents and luxury resorts, the government has warned pharmaceutical companies that they must cease bribing doctors into foisting Big Pharma's drugs on unwary patients.
The pharmaceutical companies are now engaged in a life and death race to develop the first drug to help doctors suddenly forced to quit bribes cold turkey.
Face the facts, whichever firm develops the drug will regain major leverage on the Jonesing M.D's.
The European Union agreed on Monday to exempt Americans from prosecution for War Crimes in the International Criminal court -- not because of American influence but because they thought it imprudent to overtax a new institution so early.
Anyone who believes the only way to make this country safe is to turn it into a giant New Jersey Turnpike upon which all Americans engage in racial profiling, should be drafted into service and immediately and permanently assigned to a rest area on that fine roadway.
Give the New Jersey Pike monitors these instructions: ring this bell when you see anyone weird. Within a few hours their bells will succumb to metal fatigue and we can return to our business with fewer busybodies hassling us.
Gosh you don't suppose that the timing of the lockout of dockworkers has anything to do with an attempt to label union members as disloyal at a time when all of their efforts are needed for (fake) war, do you?
© 2002 Barry Crimmins
http://www.barrycrimmins.com
I owe an apology to the court-appointed president. I have unfairly and inaccurately compared him to Adolf Hitler. In truth, W is much more similar to Benito Mussolini.
Cheney? Well that's another story.
But W is much more like the #2 man in the original Axis of Evil. For example: Mussolini made the trains run on-time, Bush makes the planes run on-time.
The trick to Bush's airport punctuality? Make travelers leave for the terminal six hours earlier than they did in the past so that they can get through fatherland security checkpoints in time to depart on schedule.
Mussolini was Il Duce. Bush is Il Dupe.
W. does resume his Hitler role whenever he meets with Italian President Silvio Burlosconi, if only because as the current fascist leader of Italy, Burlosconi has a legitimate claim to Il Duce's legacy. And of course when it comes to assembling a memorably fascist staff, W also compares favorably to Hitler. But mostly, he's a Mussolini clone.
And I wouldn't put it past W. to decide Ethiopia is a terrorist hotbed that needs attacking.
As with Mussolini, when Jr. is run from office it will be very difficult to find anyone who admits having ever supported the guy (sort of like on election day). He'll just become a national embarrassment that is never mentioned in polite company.
Just as a precaution W is going to have all the lampposts removed from the streets of Washington.
Robert Torricelli, upon leaving the New Jersey U.S. Senate race said, "I will not be responsible for the loss of the Democratic majority in the United States Senate." You really have to give him credit for consistency. Right up until the bitter end he refused to admit guilt for anything.
Robert Torricelli-- the Anti-Jeffords.
Rats generally just abandon doomed vessels but Torricelli was thorough, he took the time to sink his party and nation before scurrying for shore.
It's too bad Senator Torricelli had to stand in the giant electoral pit he dug for the Democrats before realizing that his shameless reelection bid could become the key to full Republican control of all three branches of government.
The only thing a New Jersey Democrat would need to beat a reactionary peabrain like republican candidate Douglas Forrester, would be his or her name on the ballot. But thanks to Torrecelli's shameless refusal to face reality in a timely fashion, that essential weapon may be unavailable to the Dems.
Anyone who believes that Torricelli's departure was because he always thinks first of the good of his party needs to consider what he was thinking of when he chose to stand for reelection in the first place.
Forrester's campaign rhetoric has been so toxic that win lose or draw his campaign headquarters will be declared a Superfund site.
It's too bad Torricelli didn't just pass away. Then the Missouri precedent could have kicked in and New Jersey voters could have demonstrated that they preferred a dead man to Douglas Forrester.
It's a pitiful day when we must pine over the departure of the likes of Robert Torricelli but compared to that Forrester creep, he was Eugene Debs.
Prediction: within ten weeks we'll see stock brokers going to work wearing miners' helmets.
The Turkish police said they had made an arrest of men in possession of "35 pounds of uranium". On Monday they said the material weighed only 5 ounces and was not radioactive. Apparently the mistake was made when the Turks used the same device the media uses to calibrate George W. Bush's stature, to measure what was a small and inconsequential amount of impotence.
Even while Washington protesters raised their voices against globalization, it continued unabated last week. Starbucks has begun opening stores in Mexico City saying it wanted to "introduce gourmet coffee" to the region. Somehow I think there are more than a few people in the area who will find something oddly familiar about coffee beans.
Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Like on a shrub, on a steep mountaintop, inhabited by lethal snakes?
For harvesting those beans, under those conditions, the bean pickers make a weekly wage that they can now exchange for one gourmet cup of coffee from Starbucks.
If coffee bean pickers want a refill, they will have to work overtime. Wait, that's no good, they already work overtime.
It is amazing how Starbucks can add value to something like the lowly coffee bean. The workers who slave to pick it by the ton are lucky if they make a subsistence level wage for their back-breaking toil but after Starbucks roasts the beans they become more precious than the life of any coffee plantation worker.
If you thought Mexico City used to be congested, wait until Starbucks starts shoehorning stores into every barrio.
In a blow to golf club manufacturers, travel agents and luxury resorts, the government has warned pharmaceutical companies that they must cease bribing doctors into foisting Big Pharma's drugs on unwary patients.
The pharmaceutical companies are now engaged in a life and death race to develop the first drug to help doctors suddenly forced to quit bribes cold turkey.
Face the facts, whichever firm develops the drug will regain major leverage on the Jonesing M.D's.
The European Union agreed on Monday to exempt Americans from prosecution for War Crimes in the International Criminal court -- not because of American influence but because they thought it imprudent to overtax a new institution so early.
Anyone who believes the only way to make this country safe is to turn it into a giant New Jersey Turnpike upon which all Americans engage in racial profiling, should be drafted into service and immediately and permanently assigned to a rest area on that fine roadway.
Give the New Jersey Pike monitors these instructions: ring this bell when you see anyone weird. Within a few hours their bells will succumb to metal fatigue and we can return to our business with fewer busybodies hassling us.
Gosh you don't suppose that the timing of the lockout of dockworkers has anything to do with an attempt to label union members as disloyal at a time when all of their efforts are needed for (fake) war, do you?
© 2002 Barry Crimmins