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Barry Crimmins

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political satirist Barry Crimmins

Quick action saves Reagan Library Thursday, October 25, 2007

Quick action saves Reagan Library
Exclusive: has learned that a ragtag group of American patriots, former residents of Central America and nationless arms traders banded together to participate in a dramatic and successful effort to protect the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library from raging California wildfires.

When news got out that the Simi Valley facility was endangered, a torrent of concerned people began arriving at the library. In short order, the parking lot filled with fired air traffic controllers, immigrants who'd traveled to America to flee Reagan's foreign policy, wealthy arms traders and homeless psychiatric patients. All had a common interest-- save the library -- preserve the memory of Ronald Reagan because without Reagan, their own places in history would soon be forgotten. It was a daunting and dangerous task -- especially since the library is filled to the rafters with highly flammable shredded documents. Audio and video tapes of Reagan's speeches threatened to add more hot air to the Santa Anna/Devil Winds that were fueling the fires that had already consumed hundreds of thousands of acres of the Golden State. A plan was needed and action had to follow, but quick!

As luck would have it, there weren't any visitors at the facility, making an evacuation plan unnecessary. Nevertheless, the infrastructure was still threatened and a scheme had to be hatched, but would it work? There was no choice but to try! The refugees and the homeless patients were dispatched to the roof of the facility with only one directive: urinate as if the very edifice upon which they stood depended on it. While the self-styled Gipper-pissers gave their all for our #1 president, the arms traders and former air traffic controllers organized an airlift using several bucket-equipped helicopters to fly out to the coast to load up with bilge water from an armada of  clandestine vessels about to be dispatched with weapons for Iran or Iraq or Iran and Iraq or something like that. In any case, after each chopper made several round-trips, and the Gipper-pissers did their distinguished duties, the library was declared safe from fire. Piss and bilge water had carried the day.
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Reagan Library spokesperson Fogg Hawke said that the staff was particularly pleased that the compound was saved by private efforts. Hawke enthused, "It would be wrong for federal funds to have been used to save a presidential library. In fact, it's wrong for governments to do anything about fires except of course start them with bombs. The flaming hillsides that now surround the library loan a certain authenticity to the place. Not only does the conflagration call to mind much of the world while Reagan ran it but it's also reminiscent of his current circumstances."  

FEMA plans to ship in enough trailers for an emergency library were put on ice that was originally destined for New Orleans.

Just announced! The Reagan Library Gift Shop will be running a special fire sale of swell RR swag. So if you don't mind a little urine and bilge water on your genuine Reagan Country sports attire, be sure to check the online shop for great American values!