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Barry Crimmins

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political satirist Barry Crimmins

Run-on Death Sentences Friday, April 18, 2008

Runon Death Sentences
"Simply because an execution method may result in pain, either by accident or as an inescapable consequence of death, does not establish the sort of 'objectively intolerable risk of harm' that qualifies as cruel and unusual," -- Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. in an opinion upholding the legality of lethal injections.

Pain is an "inescapable consequence of death?" Now that's what I call a ruling! This is the first time the Supreme Court has outlawed cliches. Never again will we hear: "at least he's out of his pain" or "She's in a better place" or "Well, at least he didn't suffer" because it is now the law of this land that pain is an inescapable consequence of death.

The definition of "consequence" according to the revered Apple Dictionary Version 1.0.1  is as follows:

consequence
noun
1 a result or effect of an action or condition

So to "take the consequences" is to  accept responsibility for the negative results of one's actions. Roberts and his cronies have ruled that pain is something that comes AFTER death. That's either some really bad writing or an amazingly insightful judicial revelation.

Perhaps these consequences are what President George H.W. Bush had in mind when, in the final presidential debate of 1992 (with Bill Clinton and Ross Perot), the then president called for "stronger death penalties." (W didn't get his mastery of words from the wind!)

When reached for comment, Roberts was still grappling with the vexing chicken and egg problem: when executioners kill people, what comes first? The torture of pain and suffering or death? Chief Justice Roberts answers, in no uncertain terms, "They're all related somehow, I think. I mean torturing people to death involves, first and foremost, killing them. And sure, pain and suffering are in that mix. This whole thing is one brain-teaser that stumped me good."

Roberts went on to beg for mercy, "I know you people make great sport of second-guessing our opinions but this is one time I wish you would wait until after I'm dead and gone."

Most people can't fathom postmortem pain -- at least at this point -- but as early as next year it may become an easier concept to grasp. After George W. Bush finally leaves office, Americans will expect their suffering to end. Nevertheless, we'll soon learn that the littlest president left behind a Supreme Court that will continue to inflict anguish long after political rigor mortis sets in on an administration responsible for making red, white and blue the official color scheme of torture.

Ever Fearful

The Iraqi police and military defense forces are engaged in a pitched battle over the adoption of an official motto. The police mostly favor Semper Why?
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while the soldiers prefer Semper Flee! Both slogans indicate that cowardice is on the rise in Iraq as brave Americans borrow even more money from afar to pay for the training, gear and munitions necessary for scaredy-cat, chronically-unemployed occupees to wage needless war on one another.

"We give 'em uniforms, weapons and ammo" said a high-ranking U.S. military official, "but unless we put a gun to their heads, they refuse to shoot each other. They just don't seem willing to pay the ultimate price of democracy. "

Three down, tens of thousands to go

This morning the Holy Roman Raptor landed in the Big Apple. Binocular sales spiked as cloistered nuns got the day off for Pope watching (just because a gal's hitched to Jesus doesn't mean she can't look!) According to Petersen's Infallibly Illustrated Field Guide to Flock-leaders of the Northern Hemisphere: the Migrating Gold-Encrusted Pontiff frequently alights in front of large audiences and is likely to bask in public at out-sized public arenas. Often attended by a swarm of hungry cardinals, the Pope -vaticanus dictatorus horribilus-  thrives on a diet of fearful and ignorant Hoodwinks and is rarely seen in private, except on the even rarer occasion when he apologizes to a victim or two.

Speaking of which, wasn't it inspirational to learn of the Pope's SECRET meeting with three victims of sexual abuse by priests? That must have been so nostalgic for those survivors to get forced into silence about a private meeting with a robed church official. I hope they at least got some ice cream out of the deal.
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How is it that the foreign leader of a vast and infamous international child-abusing sect gets such red carpet treatment when it comes to securing a travel visa to enter and move about the United States? In Texas they're rounding up hundreds of late model Latter Day Saints on the word of a yet-to-turn-up phone informant yet Mr. Benedict, a known child abuse cover-up artist -- and aider and abettor of thousands of serial abusers -- gets a smile and a wave-through at customs even though all of his baggage is strictly contraband.

Rumor has it he traded favors with some friends in high places to gain unsupervised access to our country and its present and past children. In between his regularly scheduled platitudes in Washington, he heard mass confessions over at the Department of Homeland Security.

updated: 14 years ago