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political satirist Barry Crimmins

Monday Night Goofball Monday, January 28, 2008

Monday Night Goofball
EXCLUSIVE

The State of the Union Address is traditionally delivered on a Tuesday. But this year, with a much earlier primary process brought on by the urgency of our national desire to replace this evening's speaker, it will be held tonight. This will preclude a conflict between the SOTU and the Florida Worst-Case-Scenario-We-Get-A-New Republican Primary.

And in honor of the occasion, a new name is in order. I humbly submit: Monday Night Goofball.

Thanks to extensive connections with GOP insiders, barrycrimmins.com has received portions of a draft of tonight's speech. White House aides are calling the address: SOTU-  The Legacy Edition

Here are some advance details:

Bush will confront the sinking economy by announcing a brave new stimulus plan.

Step One: Empty the Social Security lock-box of its cash that will be used to stimulate the economy, particularly in places like Grand Caymen Island, Dubai and Switzerland. The lock-box will be then refilled with with new "permanent platinum tax breaks."   These allowances will only benefit those for whom such breaks are truly meaningful because they add up to millions, per year, per payer. The lock-box will then be placed on a NASA mission to Mars, where it will be taken off the spacecraft and buried, safely beyond the reach of Congress.

Step Two: A plan to boost the troubled housing sector by making American family dwellings available for sale abroad. Rather than have empty homes clutter up our neighborhoods, they will be used to fill up empty cargo vessels, heading to China. There, they will be purchased for use by people  now performing  jobs American corporations have already shipped to that country. Entire sections of Buffalo, Detroit and Gary, Indiana are already being dismantled and crated up for this purpose.

Step Three: American currency will be placed on the "lead standard," to promote more harmonious exchanges with our trading partners in China. Lead money for lead goods.
Monday Night Goofball

Turning to foreign policy, Bush will announce the sweeping Sanctity of Carnage Act.

This will include plans to protect current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and their important role in our modern heritage so that future generations of Americans won't be cheated out of a chance to participate in these conflicts. To facilitate this goal, the wars will be placed in the National Historic Register and preserved in perpetuity. This will guarantee their funding for as long as there is a United States. The initiative will strengthen the American family by uniting generations on the same battlefields. The family that's killed together, is buried together!

Additionally, the Iraqi oil fields and Afghani natural gas fields will be placed under the protection of the United States so that they can be made into national parks for the purpose of expediting drilling permit distribution. These fields will be part of the new Abu Anwar National Park System.

Next on Bush's laundry list of plans is Pentagon reform.

Dubyahoo feels the military must be run more like a corporation. To reach this idealistic goal, he'll announce an all-new Privatized Pentagon. It will begin with the Military Profiteering Act of 2008, because with corporations, profiteering comes first. This is meant to cut out government bureaucracy that stands between the military contractors and our tax dollars. The Pentagon will be leased for one dollar a year to Halliwater Inc. ( a new conglomerate made up of Blackwater, Halliburton and several other weapons and military apparatus manufacturers that it will soon absorb) Halliwater will then make available our military for private contract work  so as to directly defend corporate interests at home and abroad. This will make stock market soar... until it's seized.

Turning to Homeland Security, Bush will announce the new American Eagle-eye Initiative. It's a plan to protect our children from cradle to grave by making sure their entire lives are lived in view of security cameras. This will eliminate the need for expensive federally mandated things like trials because instead of going to court, America will now just go to the videotape.

There will be other benefits, too. To quote from Bush's text , "I don't know about you but there are large periods of my life that no one can access, especially me. I don't want that happening to my grandchildren."  

Concerning the environment, Bush will announce the adoption of new CAFE standards for American vehicles. Under Bush's plan , by 2011 all domestically produced vehicles must have at least six cup-holders large enough to contain a Starbucks venti beverage.

The prez will save his most dramatic announcement for the end of the address when he'll disclose a decision he reached after speaking with his friend, Pervez Musharraf. To quote again from the advance transcript: "I have decided to permit federal elections to proceed on November 4. I still have concerns about the security threat this could present but I am encouraged with how the primary process is developing. The fact that they are not counting the votes of Florida Democrats is heartening and indicates that my legacy is already benefiting the democratic process in the United States."

That's it for now. Remember, you saw it here first.
Monday Night Goofball

updated: 15 years ago