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Barry Crimmins

words to live near


political satirist Barry Crimmins

It's never too late for fantasy! Monday, October 15, 2007

Its never too late for fantasy

Above- Blackie at surprise welcome ceremony for campers  
Below- As a youngster, Blackie quickly learned about the persuasive power of corporal punishment

You haven't indulged yourself in every possible way until you've attended:

Burton "Blackie" Halliwater's Fatcat Fantasy Detention Camp

The Getaway so exclusive, no one can find it!

That's right, renowned former Navy OTTER, munitions dealer, soldier of fortune and private security firm founder Burton "Blackie" Halliwater  asks: If you're morally OK with it, why not come play with it?

No registration required, we already have a file on you!

Date: To be determined by us

Location: Disclosed only on a 'need to know' basis

Transportation: Provided by Extraordinary Renditions of McLean, Va.

Accommodations: Provided by Gulag, Brown and Root

Price: No charge to enter, negotiable fee for departure

How it works: Upon arrival, you'll be assigned to one of two teams the Widus or the Aginus. (Note: membership on the Widus team is recommended and available for an additional fee)

The Widus will be trained by the best and dankest interrogation specialists and torture apologists from both the public and private sectors!

Including confirmed appearances by:

Alberto Gonzales: Former Attorney General of the President of The United States

Scooter Libby: Commuted convicted felon, expert fallguy

Donald Rumsfeld: Retired Finest Ever Secretary of Defense

John Negroponte: Fatherland Security Czar Central American Operations chief -- Iran/Contra Affair

Elliot Abrams: State Dept. Operative/ Democracy elimination expert

Joe Lieberman: US Senator/Mossad Operative

Jimmy Jeff Gannon-Guckert: Military Eroticism Expert
( NOTE: Gannon Guckert will be giving a seminar titled: Heated metal enemas and the balky captive)

Bernard Kerrik: Mobbed-up convicted felon, former New York City Police Commissioner, close personal friend of Rudolph Giuliani

Special Satellite Appearance by Ann Coulter - every five minutes until participants truly understand the nature of torture

And many, many more!

Aginus campers will be used in special seminars on sexual humiliation, human rights offense porn production, and spotting and detaining enemy combatants in your everyday life
news 455

Blackie's Deluxe Rendition includes:

Reenactment of scenes from the FOX-TV hit 24 using live munitions and prisoners!

Equipped only with a waterboard, some pink panties, two glow-sticks and a testicular electrification kit; you'll be given exactly ten minutes to get a 'terrorist' to divulge the location of a ticking time bomb or your bunkmates get blown to smithereens!

Super Deluxe Rendition includes participation in official Congressional Dog and Pony Show with visiting senators (Senator Mitch McConnell and Rick Santorum as the pony  already confirmed!)

All campers will receive a complimentary bottle of Dick Cheney sunscreen.

Easy access to lawyers -- they're in the adjoining cellblock!

Come peacefully or we will bring you in!


It was the finest experience of my please, make it stop! MAKE IT STOP! Camper #66401


Not my ass. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, NOT MY ASS! --The Late Camper # 35647

Ask about Our Red Cross Holiday package!

That's Burton "Blackie" Halliwater's Fatcat Fantasy Detention Camp  

You'll be on your way before you know it!