Misshapen Things to Come Thursday, June 12, 2008
Bush gesturing boldly to a future of his own creation
Note: At first I thought this was spam but now I'm not so sure. It cannot be deleted or altered in any way and since it arrived during a cataclysmic storm, I'm beginning to wonder if this email with no return address really does come from a distant day. Only time will tell but so that we may speculate, I print it as it came to me. --Barry Crimmins June 12, 2007
Dateline-- The Future
By Blitzer Hannity -- US Department of Fairness and Balance
Looking back, it's no surprise that George W. Bush was the only one who knew that his place in history would be a deluxe accommodation. He saw so much others could never believe. The man who was always right was unflappably confident he'd be waved through to the exclusive side of the velvet rope of antiquity. And of course he was.
Bush understood that his lowly status during the days of his first rule resulted from the media of that era's failure to focus on the overall impact of his presidency and its affect on the future. Granted, hindsight is 20/20 but even his ancient critics should have acknowledged that because of Bush, Nazis never again marched on Poland (a persistent problem in that age.) But the leftists on the long-ago outlawed Cable News Network never so much as covered the story.
Ungifted with Bush's eagle-eyed future vision, observers of that time couldn't see how grand and glorious things would be for W after the people he served all died. Undaunted, the single-minded president went about doing all he could to speed the arrival of that happy day. He always knew humanity would one day genuflect at the altar of George Walker Bush -- the man who invented the future!
The one they called "W" left his successors a legacy of tools for spotting anyone who doesn't appreciate the Nostradamus of Presidents. These tools were originally used by Bush to destroy the then highly prized but always dangerous commodity known as 'privacy.' Mr. Bush put privacy in its proper place, the Oval Office, and outlawed it everywhere else. This supplies a great benefit to our current leader and Bush descendant, President Kellogg Brownie-Bush-Clinton, who uses GWB's secret methods of identifying and isolating citizens easily misled into disloyalty to authority in all of its supreme forms.
It is not an overstatement to say that we owe our modern society to the innovations and policies instituted by the man now universally acknowledged as America's smartest and greatest president, G.W. Bush.
Thanks to academic standards presciently installed by none other than Mr. Bush, today's children excel in history because the name 'George W. Bush' is the only answer on the test that teachers teach to.
We now know that without GWB, humanity might have deteriorated to the point where its rightful American leaders would have been prohibited from scapegoating innocent people and nations during frustrating and difficult times. Our country's ability to blindly lash out remains its most awe-inspiring feature, and we have President Bush to thank for it.
But then, from the Christian democracies of the Middle East to the resort getaways in the Arctic Circle, the mere mention of the ruler of America for most of the first half of the 21st century inspires gratitude and even outright worship.
Without Mr Bush, children the world over wouldn't know that abstinence is the only safe alternative to the dangers of premarital sex and pregnancy.
Had there been no George W. Bush, we'd have never known that the best way to fight economic collapse is with good old-fashioned brainless optimism. Bush legendarily warded off a depression in 2008 by simply refusing to acknowledge it. In the words of America's 43 and 45th president, "Whoops there goes another rubber tree plant!"
Thanks to Bush the Farsighted, modern America isn't hampered by complicated constitutional restrictions because all that gobbledygook was replaced by a single overriding question: Are You With Us Or Against Us?
As you should know, "Are You With Us Or Against Us?" is carved into the north side of The George W. Bush Memorial, the most popular attraction at the theme park known as Freedom Land. (The park is staffed by actors playing elected officials pretending to be doing the people's business -- thus providing an exact replication of how Washington was during the GeeDub years.)
Three more inspirational messages festoon the memorial, including:
The Western facing's "Mission Accomplished!" -- aimed in the general direction of the shores off of San Diego.
The southern edifice's "You're Doing A Heck Of A Job," meant to inspire the ongoing rebuilding effort in New Orleans, a project authorized centuries ago by George W. Bush himself.
And to the east, "Bring 'em On!" reminds us of the challenge Bush the War President laid down before Islamofascists prior to his eradicating them from the face of the Earth.
The Bush Memorial is an architectural tribute to GWB's mentality-- which is to say, it's a bunker. This multipurpose facility houses the Tomb of the Undead Vice-president (with it's stark one-word inscription, "So?"), as well as the command center for drilling the vast natural gas deposit that began forming under what was then known as "the Capitol" during a man named "Newt Gingrich's" stewardship over the House of Representatives. (You might better know "the Capitol" now as Exxon-Mobil-Chevron-Gulf world headquarters.)
We of Future America have received the most tangible payoff from Mr. Bush's international efforts -- independence from foreign oil. Once thought to be impossible, energy independence was reached halfway through Bush's unofficial third term when acting President McCain, at the direction of real President Bush, announced the American annexation of both Iraq and Afghanistan. Adding these two nations as U.S. territories returned the United States to its rightful place as a global leader in oil and natural gas production. (Unfortunately all of the fuel under those two lands as well as the entire Iranian reserve were needed in the Middle East for the war effort -- but once Saudi Arabia fell, the war dividend landed on our shores a tanker at a time! They arrived just as the last of America's national parks had been pumped dry!)
In his third official term as president (2012-2038), Mr. Bush further strengthened our energy independence while demonstrating that people are the USA's greatest resource, particularly when they're part of the world's largest and most productive prison population. America's second-to-none competitiveness in the world market came thanks to George W. Bush's "No Confession/No Job" economic initiative. Nothing highlights the wisdom of this plan so much as the alternative energy that's generated by the prisoner-powered hamster wheels in the federal correctional region formerly known as "the Rust Belt."
The Crawford Clairvoyant is beloved by the entire world -- and not just for wars he brought to it! He is remembered as the Great Messenger of the West who taught people everywhere that the only way to eliminate the threat of overpopulation was to make sure that the entire world had access to American-style for-profit healthcare. By the time Mr. Bush named his successor, Barbara Bush-Clinton-O'Reilly, that program was in place and overpopulation was only a problem in cemeteries!
George W. Bush now watches over us from his seat at the right-hand of God, provided as a reward for his groundbreaking missionary work in church-state integration. The Lord Almighty is
W and the Creator, whom he affectionately calls "Big G," pass eternity greeting billionaires in the Halliburton Heaven Hospitality Haven. The tycoons pass St Pete's checkpoint without incident thanks to Mr. Bush's having concentrated wealth so intensely that it actually fits through the eye of a needle.
Even if we never make it to his exclusive corner of Paradise, all humans who have benefited from the farsighted rule of Bush the 43rd and 45th are in his debt for the paradise that he made of Earth. All history kneels at his throne!
