Keeping Up With the Jonesers Thursday, June 5, 2008
Tuesday General Motors CEO G. Richard Wagoner stuck his head out of the rubble formerly known as Detroit to establish that either he was clueless or he believed we were. As ever, no one with a hint was buying what Wagoner was selling.
The beleaguered boss announced that GM was shutting down several plants that manufacture trucks people desire even less than another increase in the cost of gasoline. To listen to Wagoner you'd think GM was an innocent taken by surprise by consumers and oil prices. "Higher gasoline prices are changing consumer behavior, and they are significantly affecting the U.S. auto industry sales mix," said the CEO/ master of the obvious.
Of course Wagoner takes no responsibility for significantly affecting the U.S. auto industry sales mix by marketing wheels of doom long after any reasonable high school science student could have accurately predicted an inevitable head-on collision with reality. So what were all those Detroit engineers in the lab coats predicting? Probably the same thing but since there's more money to be made selling $50k vehicles than $15k vehicles, GM and its Detroit counterparts stepped on the gas and sped onward... toward the cliff.
To listen to Wagoner you'd have never guessed that America's largest truck and auto manufacturer contributed mightily to this nation's over-consumption of oil by flooding the market with gas-guzzling goliaths thus sticking an extra-wide straw into the dwindling petroleum supply and doing what Detroit has done for years-- sucking big-time. GM played the American consumer for the chumps that we are by using the two strongest motivational forces in this society -- fear and status, to con millions of us into buying these absurdly over-sized devices.
Fear was used to convince us that our families weren't safe in smaller vehicles-- in large part because the highways were full of other SUV's that could clobber us and so we joined with our neighbors in a pact that led to mutually assured environmental and economic destruction.
Status was used to trick us into keeping up with the Jonses and this dictated an escalation of the size and cost of these vehicles. Now we're just keeping up with the Jonesers, who are craving life as it used to be before you had to think before sticking a key in the ignition.
Now that its a choice between filling up the GM Gigundo or feeding and housing the family, a Mini Cooper might be the best security precaution of all. And status? Well you're not just an asshole to drive a Humvee these days, you're an asshole who has been had and is now sentenced to drive around as a warning to others. Humvee owners used to be annoying because they were impervious to their own stupidity. That is no longer a problem.
Three years ago GM's one-word answer to the post-Katrina spike in gas prices was "ethanol." Ho! Ho! Ho! The Folly of the Phony Green Giant! Unfortunately ethanol is just as environmentally destructive as gasoline (if not worse). Then there's the other problem it's causing by driving the price of grain skyward. Rocketing food prices equal unstable international economy-- and there's a little matter of famine to consider, what with its impact on GM's worldwide market and all. The plan to simply switch new Chevy Mammoths and Pontiac Titanics to chugging ethanol caused a farmland-rush thus compounding the real estate crisis.
But ethanol is fool's black gold. In the end all GM got out of its faux environmental deal was several production plants surrounded by dozens acres of Suddenly Useless Vehicles -- with really cool green logos on them. These plants will soon be emptied of the workers who once made a living in them. And the vehicles? Well they are becoming what Direct-to-DVD is to the movie industry because these babies are going direct-to-scrap.
GM is said to be considering selling its Humvee Division. It may still have some value until Americans wise up and take their foot off the pedal of the war machine. And despite the loss of 8,000 jobs th ese closings represent, GM will be adding shifts at plants that manufacture innovative new passenger automobiles. Order your 2009 Vega now!
Trail droppings... In an obvious attempt to win the adult diaper vote, John McCain mentioned change 32 times in his speech the other night.
If McCain had to depend on his oratory skills to make a living, he couldn't land a gig narrating film strips.
McCain brags of his ability to reach across the aisle, which is just what he did when he became the only Republican in the Keating Five. He reached across the aisle and under the table and came away with over 100 grand in "campaign contributions."
McCain has challenged Barack Obama to meet him in ten townhall meetings. Obama had already found common ground with his autumnal opponent by speaking at a rather large town hall in St. Paul -- the XCEL Energy Center. The supersonic response Obama provoked from the SRO crowd may have caused structural damage to the future home of the 2008 Republican National Convention. Fortunately there are no concerns about McCain rocking that house.
One of McCain's reasons for speaking Tuesday night outside of New Orleans was to put some distance between himself and George W. Bush. He had better hope that Americans don't remember how close he was to George W. Bush when they were both ignoring the devastation of Katrina while celebrating McCain's birthday.
Of course the birthday charge is sort of unfair. McCain has had so many of them that the odds were that Katrina would have hit on one of them.
Hillary Clinton is said to be quitting the race on Friday, just days after the race quit her. She'll turn her full efforts toward retiring her historic campaign debt.
Watching her speak before Obama the other night was like watching Vikki Carr open for Jimi Hendrix.
The beleaguered boss announced that GM was shutting down several plants that manufacture trucks people desire even less than another increase in the cost of gasoline. To listen to Wagoner you'd think GM was an innocent taken by surprise by consumers and oil prices. "Higher gasoline prices are changing consumer behavior, and they are significantly affecting the U.S. auto industry sales mix," said the CEO/ master of the obvious.
Of course Wagoner takes no responsibility for significantly affecting the U.S. auto industry sales mix by marketing wheels of doom long after any reasonable high school science student could have accurately predicted an inevitable head-on collision with reality. So what were all those Detroit engineers in the lab coats predicting? Probably the same thing but since there's more money to be made selling $50k vehicles than $15k vehicles, GM and its Detroit counterparts stepped on the gas and sped onward... toward the cliff.
To listen to Wagoner you'd have never guessed that America's largest truck and auto manufacturer contributed mightily to this nation's over-consumption of oil by flooding the market with gas-guzzling goliaths thus sticking an extra-wide straw into the dwindling petroleum supply and doing what Detroit has done for years-- sucking big-time. GM played the American consumer for the chumps that we are by using the two strongest motivational forces in this society -- fear and status, to con millions of us into buying these absurdly over-sized devices.
Fear was used to convince us that our families weren't safe in smaller vehicles-- in large part because the highways were full of other SUV's that could clobber us and so we joined with our neighbors in a pact that led to mutually assured environmental and economic destruction.
Status was used to trick us into keeping up with the Jonses and this dictated an escalation of the size and cost of these vehicles. Now we're just keeping up with the Jonesers, who are craving life as it used to be before you had to think before sticking a key in the ignition.
Now that its a choice between filling up the GM Gigundo or feeding and housing the family, a Mini Cooper might be the best security precaution of all. And status? Well you're not just an asshole to drive a Humvee these days, you're an asshole who has been had and is now sentenced to drive around as a warning to others. Humvee owners used to be annoying because they were impervious to their own stupidity. That is no longer a problem.
Three years ago GM's one-word answer to the post-Katrina spike in gas prices was "ethanol." Ho! Ho! Ho! The Folly of the Phony Green Giant! Unfortunately ethanol is just as environmentally destructive as gasoline (if not worse). Then there's the other problem it's causing by driving the price of grain skyward. Rocketing food prices equal unstable international economy-- and there's a little matter of famine to consider, what with its impact on GM's worldwide market and all. The plan to simply switch new Chevy Mammoths and Pontiac Titanics to chugging ethanol caused a farmland-rush thus compounding the real estate crisis.
GM is said to be considering selling its Humvee Division. It may still have some value until Americans wise up and take their foot off the pedal of the war machine. And despite the loss of 8,000 jobs th ese closings represent, GM will be adding shifts at plants that manufacture innovative new passenger automobiles. Order your 2009 Vega now!
Trail droppings... In an obvious attempt to win the adult diaper vote, John McCain mentioned change 32 times in his speech the other night.
If McCain had to depend on his oratory skills to make a living, he couldn't land a gig narrating film strips.
McCain brags of his ability to reach across the aisle, which is just what he did when he became the only Republican in the Keating Five. He reached across the aisle and under the table and came away with over 100 grand in "campaign contributions."
McCain has challenged Barack Obama to meet him in ten townhall meetings. Obama had already found common ground with his autumnal opponent by speaking at a rather large town hall in St. Paul -- the XCEL Energy Center. The supersonic response Obama provoked from the SRO crowd may have caused structural damage to the future home of the 2008 Republican National Convention. Fortunately there are no concerns about McCain rocking that house.
One of McCain's reasons for speaking Tuesday night outside of New Orleans was to put some distance between himself and George W. Bush. He had better hope that Americans don't remember how close he was to George W. Bush when they were both ignoring the devastation of Katrina while celebrating McCain's birthday.
Of course the birthday charge is sort of unfair. McCain has had so many of them that the odds were that Katrina would have hit on one of them.
Hillary Clinton is said to be quitting the race on Friday, just days after the race quit her. She'll turn her full efforts toward retiring her historic campaign debt.
Watching her speak before Obama the other night was like watching Vikki Carr open for Jimi Hendrix.
